Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: A (Mostly Comedic) Summary

I could just do a review, couldn’t I, but I’d rather do this: a detailed and mostly accurate (but comedic!) summary of what happens in the play Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. This is all according to the script that was released: I haven’t seen it performed, so I’m aware I’m missing part of the picture. Still, here we are. And it’s very long, with a few editorial remarks thrown in.

Also it’s at least partly a joke. I tried to treat the serious scenes with the weight they deserved, but let me say upfront: this is a very flawed play. I admire so much about what it tries to be but the plot is a mess and if you’re as much of a Potter-head as I am, you’re bound to be irritated by the inconsistencies. Still, there’s some moments that are genuinely fantastic, as well as some themes that are amazing to see explored rather than just being heavily implied as in the books, and I wanted to be fair to those while also taking the piss. Which wasn’t hard to do, actually, a lot of the dialogues is, wow….

Anyway! I hope you enjoy it!

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: A Summary

Part One

Act One

the play starts in the Deathly Hallows epilogue. harry and ginny are taking their children to platform 9 3/4, seeing james sirius potter (eyeroll) off for his second year at hogwarts and albus severus potter (URGH) off for his first. lily luna potter (ehhh cut the first bit?) is sitting on harry’s shoulders. she’s not going to hogwarts, she’s just there for the food.

ALBUS: but what if i am in slytherin?

HARRY: that’s not gonna happen but, i mean, we’re not gonna house shame you al

JAMES: yes i am

HARRY: you stop that

LILY: i can’t see uncle ron! where is he!

RON: right here!

ron, hermione and their daughter, rose granger-weasley. their son isn’t in this version. is it a loss? who knows?

ron shows lily a trick he’s developing for Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. it’s a bit of a cute scene. hermione is so endeared by it all. rose is rolling her eyes. albus is developing angst.

ALBUS, tugging at harry’s robes: dad…

HARRY: yeah, al?

ALBUS: if, if i am in slytherin, does that make me bad…?

HARRY: no! albus severus potter, you were named for two hogwarts headmasters. one was a slytherin and the braves man i know.

ALBUS: …….okay, it’s a matter of opinion i guess, but, you didn’t answer my question.

HARRY: look, if it worries you that much, you can just ask the sorting hat to put you in gryffindor. like what i did.

ALBUS: holy shit i love you dad

james and rose get on the train. albus hugs ginny and harry again before getting on. the train leaves, all while everyone goes on about how amazing hogwarts is going to be. inside the train, rose starts mapping out her plans.

ROSE: al. we’ve got to focus. this is our first time on the hogwarts express. who we sit with will define us for all time. so we have to pick carefully. but remember: you’re a potter, and i’m a granger-weasley. we have the pick of the crop.

ALBUS: that seems kind of, uh, extreme. and not very nice.

ROSE: focus! you have to pick right!

they enter a compartment. there’s a blond kid sitting alone. it’s scorpius malfoy!

ROSE: not that one.

SCORPIUS: hi!

ALBUS: is it all right if we come in for a bit?

SCORPIUS: oh god please i’m so lonely. i, uh, i mean, yeah, dude, fine, whatever, man.

ALBUS: i’m al. uh. albus. and you’re…?

SCORPIUS: scorpius. so, you must be rose?

ROSE: yes.

SCORPIUS: my mum sent me off with a lot of sweets, she uh, said they’d help me make friends. wait, no, ignore that, i mean, you can have some if you want?

ROSE: no thank you.

ALBUS: i’ll have some. my mum doesn’t let me have them, so, tell me what’s good?

rose punches albus, out of view of scorpius.

ALBUS: stop that!

SCORPIUS: oh… i guess, albus, you should know. i’m a malfoy.

ALBUS: so?

ROSE: so his parents were death eaters!

SCORPIUS: my dad was, my mum wasn’t!

ROSE: you may have a nose, but still, there’s a rumour your dad is voldemort!

ALBUS: ……….but his face isn’t a snake. like, at all.

ROSE: yeah, it’s probably not true, but all the same…..

SCORPIUS: it’s definitely not true! i look just like my dad!

ROSE: well, we should sit somewhere else anyway. come on, al.

ALBUS: no, i’m staying here

ROSE: fine!

rose leaves. albus and scorpius keep eating sweets together and being just as sweet themselves.

at hogwarts, everyone is initially excited to meet albus. two students in particular establish their existence with generic dialogue: polly chapman, who becomes the most popular girl in school as head cheerleader and a part-time model, and craig bowker jr, nerdy prefect who’d make percy go “guy chill the rules don’t matter that much”. but then he’s sorted into slytherin, along with scorpius. and they quickly turn against him, saying how unlike his father he is.

also there’s a moment when rose is sorted into gryffindor where she says “thank dumbledore”. no, really. like he’s god or something. this happens a few times throughout the play and i am honestly so embarrassed.

it gets worse for albus when it turns out he sucks at flying. but he’s a potter and his mother is ginny weasley! oh no! what a disappointment, everyone says, because people in the harry potter world are just so wildly into the whole family name thing. it’s a british boarding school thing, i think.

it skips to second year, as they board the hogwarts express. albus is uncomfortably edging away from harry.

ALBUS: can you maybe not exist so close to me

HARRY: haha are you embarrassed by me

ALBUS: no i’m bullied for not being you

HARRY: hmm i wonder what that could mean

ALBUS: look, you don’t have to come with me to the station, okay? thanks.

HARRY: but i want to…

albus boards the train. draco malfoy approaches harry.

DRACO: hi. so, you know these rumours about how my son is actually voldemort spawn? d’ya think you could use all your power and celebrity to remind everyone that that’s not true at all?

HARRY: i don’t think so

DRACO: they bully him so much and he’s having a hard enough time as is. his mother’s sick, you know.

HARRY: look, it’s better to ignore these rumours. there’s always been rumours voldemort had a child. but if you respond to gossip, you feed gossip. especially when you’re famous

me, a pr representative with journalistic training and several undergrad theses on celebrity: haha wait what???? are you for real????

DRACO: fuck you

HARRY: get over me already

there’s a potentially heartbreaking moment over with the kids, with rose and albus standing next to each other.

ALBUS: when we get on the train, stop talking to me

ROSE: as if i’d want to? we’re just faking for the grown-ups.

SCORPIUS: hey guys!

ROSE: urgh, nope, i’m out

at hogwarts, albus is shown to be a pretty poor student. he’s ridiculed in class and it distracts him until he can’t quite get spells or potions right. it’s pretty fricken sad, you guys, this entire thing 😦

again with the train station at the start of third year.

HARRY: i know you’ve been having it rough, al. mcgonagall’s been owling, saying you’re surly and disinterested. well, third year’s your chance to turn things around! here, your hogsmeade permission slip.

ALBUS: is there a hot topic there?

HARRY: uh, no, but there’s honeyduke’s?

ALBUS: and hogwarts students. ew. not interested. (HE BURNS IT)

HARRY: wow, al, i uh… c’mon, try to have a positive attitude? you can change things this year

i’m gonna direct-quote albus here because it’s heartwrenchingly linkin park! poor little emo dude.

ALBUS: Just cast a spell, Dad, and change me into what you want me to be, okay? It’ll work better for both of us.

albus runs off, to scorpius. scorpius is sitting on his case looking completely miserable.

ALBUS: scorpius….? are you okay?

scorpius doesn’t answer.

ALBUS: oh, no, it’s your mum? did she get sicker?

SCORPIUS: she died.

ALBUS: oh shit, i’m so sorry, i didn’t know… i thought you’d owl

SCORPIUS: i didn’t know what to say

ALBUS: i don’t know what to say either

SCORPIUS: don’t say anything. but, come to the funeral, please? and… and just… be my good friend, albus. like you always have.

at hogwarts, lily is sorted into gryffindor. and the final part of this scene is students jeering at albus as he delivers another heartwrenchingly linkin park direct quote:

ALBUS: I didn’t choose, you know? I didn’t choose to be his son.

the scene changes to harry’s office at the ministry of magic. he’s like, head of the wizard cops. hermione is sitting there holding a pile of papers.

HARRY: oh hey hermione. so, we just arrested theodore nott and turns out it was true, he had a time-turner.

HERMIONE: are you for real? and it can go back more than an hour?

HARRY: sure can

HERMIONE: i’m super worried about all these ex-allies of voldemort moving around, especially the magical creatures apparently because that is very fitting with my character, to just openly imply yes all werewolves, giants and trolls are evil voldemort sympathises, but i’m much more worried that you’re not doing your paperwork

HARRY: i’ll do it later

HERMIONE: just go home harry

HARRY: okay

harry goes home. later, albus is sitting at the top of the stairs, listening to an elderly man (amos diggory) arguing with his father.

AMOS: look, potter, you’re the reason my son is dead, so you damn well bring him back to life

HARRY: just because i brought myself back to life doesn’t mean i can do it for others

AMOS: you’re a cruel pig and i bet you don’t even remember my son

HARRY: i do. i remember cedric every day.

AMOS: then use the time-turner you’ve got hidden away to bring my son back!

HARRY: have you ever seen the anime Fullmetal Alchemist? it has some interesting opinions about —

AMOS: don’t be a weeb, dick

near albus, a goff appears, with eyes like limpid tears

DELPHI: hello 🙂

albus jumps. delphi is described as being in her 20s, and she’s looking at him through the stairs (….?)

DELPHI: oops, sorry to startle you! i’m delphini dark’ness dementia raven way diggory. call me delphi.

ALBUS: uh, hi, i’m albus

DELPHI: i like you, albus 🙂 you seem very far from a prep

ALBUS: thanks… i am. emo is a way of life, you know

DELPHI: i work at a nursing home looking after my uncle amos. aren’t i so nice? 🙂 you should come visit me

AMOS: come here delphi!

delphi goes to him

AMOS: meet harry potter, he used to be cool, but now he’s just a suit working for The Man, ungrateful for all the people who died for him. let’s blow this joint

DELPHI: right you are, uncle!

harry frowns. he thinks he’s still cool. also he’s kind of triggered by this whole thing you guys.

ALBUS: hmm…..

the next day, albus is sitting on his bed in his room. everyone is getting ready for hogwarts. lily and james are playing with gifts given to them by ron and harry. or, rather, lily’s flying around with fairy wings and james is screaming because ron gave him a comb that dyes his hair pink.

harry enters albus’ room.

HARRY: hi albus, ron sent this love potion for you

ALBUS: that’s offensive

HARRY: chip off the shoulder there, old boy. i have a present for you too!

ALBUS: is it as good as the actual working fairy wings you gave lily? or your invisibility cloak, which you gave to james?

HARRY: it’s even better. it’s my baby blanket!

ALBUS: …………

HARRY: it has a lot of sentimental value to me. because it was the last thing my dead mother gave me.

me: where did you get…?

HARRY: aunt petunia wanted me to have this blanket, that’s why she locked it away and never gave it to me and dudley only found it by accident after she died.

me: um. what?

HARRY: it’s lucky.

ALBUS: ok. i need luck. leave me alone now.

HARRY: or i could help you pack? man i loved packing to go to hogwarts! i know you don’t like it but i’m desperate to be a cool dad again

ALBUS: you’re not cool and your tragic backstory is contrived

HARRY: what the fuck son

ALBUS: and i don’t like your smelly blanket leave me alone dad

HARRY: you’re tearing me apart albus!! at least you have a dad!!!!

ALBUS: i wish you weren’t my dad

HARRY: well sometimes i wish you weren’t my son!

long silence

ALBUS: cool beans

HARRY: oh no albus i didn’t mean it, please don’t write about this in your diary

ALBUS: you did mean it!! just leave me alone!!!!!

albus temper-tantrumly throws harry’s baby blanket across the room. it knocks over the love potion ron gave him. and i’m going to directly quote his reaction because HOLY SHIT turn up that mcr albus severus potter

ALBUS: No luck or love for me, then.

albus leaves the room. harry calls after him, but albus has exited the scene.

HARRY, miserably: i’m not a cool dad…… i’m not even a good dad.

harry has a nightmare about the time he first met hagrid, with the dursleys are played for less comedic effect than in the original. petunia accuses harry of ‘cursing’ them in a very forced title drop. but then hagrid enters and immediately lightens everything because he’s a beautiful dude. the flashback ends after hagrid tells harry he’s the most famous wizard in the world. then, from nowhere, a disembodied voice speaks.

VOLDEMORT: haaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrry pottttttttttttttttteeeeer………..

harry wakes up in your classic post-nightmare style. he’s in bed with ginny. drarry-inspired haters to the left.

GINNY: hey babe what’s wrong

HARRY: nothing……. just a bad dream…… go back to sleep.

GINNY: this martyr shit again huh

HARRY: yup

GINNY: y’know, giving albus the blanket was a nice try, but he’s fourteen and materialistic and emo. he doesn’t appreciate it because he thinks you’re being fake and forced as hell, and sorry babe, but you kinda are. he just wants you to be honest.

HARRY: my childhood was so fucked up i can’t even relate to my own son properly, just, non-Harry Potter problems, man…….. and for the first time in twenty-two years….. my scar’s hurting……

the next day. we’re back to focusing on albus as he approaches the hogwarts express.

ROSE: hi albus! i wanna be friends again

ALBUS: who put you up to this

ROSE: your mum wrote to my mum

ALBUS: fuck off

ROSE: no. (she starts following him) did you hear the rumour, that theodore nott had a time-turner that can go back like forever, and your dad took it?

ALBUS: what

ROSE: yup

CRAIG: hi guys, i still exist 🙂

ALBUS: i have to find scorpius

rose continues following him. they find scorpius on the train.

SCORPIUS: roooooose. you sure smell good! like bread! i love bread! did i mention that i’m not gay?

ROSE: i hate bread so much, but not as much as i hate you. i have to go (she leaves)

audience: we sure are meant to find this banter endearing! i love it when one of the heteros hates the other but they just keep on fail-flirting and being so gosh darn quirky! keep grinding up that pride & prejudice dead horse paste please, i want some more!

SCORPIUS: i am so straight for your cousin dude

albus hugs him.

SCORPIUS: whoa! scorpius finally scores! wait no i mean, uh! we’re bros, we don’t hug, what’s up dude!

ALBUS: sorry i just have a lot of feelings and need a reminder that someone still cares about me

SCORPIUS: i care so much, albus. no homo.

they break the hug.

ALBUS: now we need to get off the train

SCORPIUS: it’s already moving

albus: so we jump off the train

SCORPIUS:                 i uh, have some issues with that

ALBUS: we need to go back in time and stop cedric diggory from having ever died

SCORPIUS: i’m so concerned about you i’m just gonna go along with this

they climb up on the roof of the train. and they are followed…….. by the sweet old lady who pushes the food trolley.

TROLLEY WITCH: hi kids check this out

she throws a pumpkin pasty. it explodes. it was a fucking grenade all along.

SCORPIUS: I’VE EATEN THOSE, WHAT THE FUCK!!!

TROLLEY WITCH: i am the train alpha and the train omega, the beginning and the end of your train journey. i will not allow the exit of those who have not completed the train journey. i will fucking KILL YOU KIDS IF YOU DON’T TAKE YOUR SEATS AND HAVE A NICE DAY

ALBUS: yeah i’m gonna jump off the train

SCORPIUS: don’t make me do that

ALBUS: you don’t have to follow

SCORPIUS: how can i not follow you everywhere you go, albus!!!

ALBUS: no homo?

SCORPIUS: NO HOMO!!! I LIKE BREAD! I MEAN ROSE!

they jump off the train. the trolley witch is surprisingly okay with this, exploding pasties considered.

meanwhile: harry, ron and hermione are conducting something called the ‘Extraordinary General Meeting’. it’s boring. here’s what we learn:

• hermione is minister for magic
• ginny is the sport editor for the daily prophet
• someone is stealing key ingredients for polyjuice potion from the potion stores at hogwarts. nobody points out that these are the key ingredients of that despite several of them having stolen the same thing from the same stores.
• they’re now on first-name terms with draco malfoy, who has thrown aside his #aesthetic of past to call our wizard jesus “harry” not “potter”
• some species of magical creatures are moving around. harry suspects this is linked to voldemort. everyone else is like “lol. what.”
• draco still does melodramatic harry potter impersonations
• draco malfoy of all people comes closest to calling out harry on prejudices based on any past association with voldemort — again families, against magical creatures — but quickly makes it about his son being bullied for being voldemort’s son with a nose and the classic malfoy looks
• nobody cares harry’s scar hurts

albus and scorpius have gone to the nursing home where amos diggory is.

DELPHI: hi albus 🙂 come say hello to uncle amos!

ALBUS: okay!! this is gonna be good!! i’m gonna undo some of the damage my father’s done!

AMOS: no you’re not

ALBUS: but, but the time-turner is real, and my dad lied to you, and, we can bring cedric back from the dead!

DELPHI: i think we can count on them, and besides, weren’t you saying it would be good to have someone on the inside at hogwarts?

SCORPIUS: boy this sounds suspicious

ALBUS: i’m prepared to do anything! cedric shouldn’t have died. i’m projecting so much on him because i too feel like a spare

AMOS: that’s good enough for me to use. all right delphi, go help them steal that time-turner

DELPHI: of course 🙂

SCORPIUS: albus, i don’t think this is a good idea

ALBUS: please, scorpius?

SCORPIUS: aw man when you look at me like that, it just, gets me so……… not gay. definitely not gay. but anything for you, albus, just stop being sad please.

meanwhile, harry, ron, hermione & ginny are having lunch together. they’re talking about how terribly that meeting went.

HERMIONE: so that was shitballs

harry: draco has it out for me because i won’t publicly deny the rumours about his son being voldemort’s son

GINNY: yeah he’s weirdly obsessed with it? he even mentioned it when i sent him a ‘sorry your wife died’ card

HARRY: doesn’t he know that if you address rumours they get worse!

me, a pr representative with journalistic training and several undergrad theses on celebrity: THAT’S REALLY NOT HOW THIS WORKS GUYS

RON: well, harry, mate, dude, bro, i mean. have you ever considered that maybe voldemort isn’t back? that maybe you’re getting old, and tired, and stressed? especially with everything going on with albus. i mean, basically: trauma induced cluster migraines suck, but they don’t mean voldemort’s back.

HARRY: ……..

GINNY: ……..

HERMIONE: ………

GINNY: that’s so unbelievably stupid, ronald.

HERMIONE: agreed

RON: haha ok (he eats more aggressively. movie ron is back.)

an owl arrives.

HARRY: gasp GINNY OUR SON ALBUS IS MISSING!!! this must be the influence of that scorpius malfoy grrr!! what mischief are they getting up to i wonder!!!

they’re with delphi, taking polyjuice to turn into harry, ron and hermione. albus is adamant about NOT turning into harry. nice try, kid, but if there’s anything years of reading mediocre ‘gritty realism’ literary fiction has taught me, it’s that all sons become their fathers. you were doomed from the moment you were fictional.

draco malfoy has arrived at the ministry of magic to meet with our heroes of middle age, and he’s pissed off.

HERMIONE: well, the muggles are helping too, they’ve filed missing person reports

DRACO: do i look like i give a FUCK when saint potter’s son has led my precious beautiful wonderful smart only child astray????

HERMIONE: it could be death eaters

GINNY: no, i’m like 99% sure they ran away

DRACO: why would my son whom i love so much i named him scorpius run away from me?

HARRY: …….

DRACO: he wouldn’t… i tried to raise him to be a leader, but he’s a follower, which is fine because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS, I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, so albus must have run away and scorpius must have followed!!!

HARRY: yeaaaaaaah i uh… might’ve told albus i sometimes wish he wasn’t my son.

long silence

DRACO: what the actual fuck potter?!?!?!?

HARRY: i didn’t mean it like that!

DRACO: you fucking people. look. if you need gold, or whatever, i’ll give everything. i’ll give anything. he’s my heir, he’s…. he’s the only family i have left.

draco starts to leave, but stops. he looks at harry. and i’m going to direct quote because holy fucking shit, draco’s dunking.

DRACO: I don’t care who you are or what you saved, you are a constant curse on my family, Harry Potter.

back to albus, scorpius and delphi. still disguised as ron, harry and hermione respectively, they’re breaking into hermione’s office.

ALBUS: you sure this is where it’s hidden?

DELPHI: oh, yeah. we used truth potion on some of the guards earlier.

SCORPIUS: suspicious???? anyone????

nobody agrees. they don’t have time; the real hermione and harry are coming.

DELPHI: we gotta hide!

ALBUS: but where?!

DELPHI: we’ll hide in her office. albus, you hold them off. don’t let them in.

ALBUS: what?!

delphi and scorpius hide inside. albus stands out the front.

HERMIONE: ron? what are you doing here?

HARRY: isn’t the real question, how did you get here so quickly when we must’ve just left you about five minutes ago?

ALBUS: surprise! i’m ron! here to visit you, my wife. i love you honey! kiss me!

SCORPIUS: so, this is…….. uncool……

HARRY: i should go (he pretty quickly scurries away from the friendly nagging)

HERMIONE: ron. why are you blocking my office?

ALBUS: i’m not. i’m asking if we can have more children.

SCORPIUS: wow, okay, so, it goes: oedpius complex, electra complex, what’s this….?

ALBUS: more children, or, a holiday!

HERMIONE: you’re acting very suspicious and weird so i’m just going to leave, bye weirdo, i love you

albus goes into the office.

SCORPIUS: so…. you kissed your aunt a lot, huh.

ALBUS: it’s what my uncle does, shut up, i was playing the role convincingly!

SCORPIUS: bit too convincingly. i don’t know how to kinkshame this when i’m so squicked and personally offended.

DELPHI: enough, we’ve got to find the time-turner.

delphi starts looking, but albus and scorpius keep talking.

SCORPIUS: i didn’t know your dad said that. that’s fucked up, you should’ve told me.

ALBUS: it’s not something you can just throw out there.

SCORPIUS: sometimes my dad looks at me like he doesn’t know how i could’ve possibly turned out this way. like he’s thinking, ‘how did i make this’.

ALBUS: and my dad’s thinking, ‘how can i return this’.

DELPHI: uh, help me?

SCORPIUS: what i mean is, we’re friends for a reason, albus. we understand each other. we help each other. and, whatever this, thing, is really about, well, i….

ALBUS: you?

SCORPIUS: ……..damn dude check out these awesome rare books your aunt has holy fucking shit

ALBUS: you are too easily distracted by books. nerd.

then the books start trying to kill them with riddles. but it’s okay! our heroes solve the riddles (okay, it’s mostly scorpius) and manage to extract the time-turner from one of them.

DELPHI: the power…… the absolute power……..

SCORPIUS: ??????

ALBUS: awesome! let’s go save cedric!

SCORPIUS: i don’t know how to love you……

And so ends act one

ACT TWO

Act Two opens with harry having another nightmare about the past. and it’s SUPER FUCKED UP he’s a child again, in the cupboard under the stairs, being woken up by aunt petunia.

AUNT PETUNIA: you didn’t clean the kitchen well enough you filthy waste of space!!

HARRY: i’m sorry aunt petunia, i tried my best

AUNT PETUNIA: THAT is your best?! oh, this is all my fault, for taking you in, thinking we could raise you to be worth something. we’ve only got ourselves to blame for your constant failure. now get up. clean the kitchen again. you’re going to keep doing it until you can do it properly, you worm.

harry gets up. he’s wet the bed.

AUNT PETUNIA: what’s this?! what have you done? you’ve wet the bed again? oh, you filthy, disgusting child.

HARRY: i’m sorry. i had a nightmare. i saw my parents die.

AUNT PETUNIA: why would i care about that?

HARRY: there was this man, and, he said something weird, ad… adka… abraca…. and then there was a snake hissing, and my mum. my mum was screaming.

AUNT PETUNIA: you’re lying. if you really had a nightmare about your parents dying, it would’ve been a screech of breaks then a thud. they died in a car accident. i doubt my sister had time to scream. and i’m too kind to tell you anything else.

HARRY: oh.

AUNT PETUNIA: strip those sheets. clean that bed before you get to the kitchen. repulsive child.

harry’s dream shifts, until a forest appears and albus is there, wearing durmstrang robes. he’s looking at younger harry. then that voice again….

VOLDEMORT: haaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrry pottttttttttttttttteeeeer………..

harry wakes up.

GINNY: another nightmare?

HARRY: i… i think i know where albus is.

they go to the headmistress’ office at hogwarts to talk to professor mcgonagall.

MCGONAGALL: so, you think your son is in the forbidden forest because of this dream?

HARRY: it’s a lot like the dreams i had because of voldemort, i’m sure of it

MCGONAGALL: well okay let’s get a search party together and go find him

HERMIONE: i’m here! i’m ready to help!

HARRY: nice

DRACO: i’m here too

HARRY: but you don’t believe my dreams are real…

DRACO: no, but i’m genre-savvy enough to know when the protagonist is bullshitting his lucky arse through things, so, here i am. now let’s find our kids.

at the edge of the forbidden forest, delphi is helping albus practice magic. we’re here for heavy-handed symbolism so guess what, it’s expelliarmus.

DELPHI: you’re good at this!

ALBUS: i always sucked at magic

DELPHI: me too, but then one day i was super awesome at it

delphi and albus high-five goffikly

SCORPIUS: so. delphi. how old are you. i mean. you work in a nursing home. so. how old.

DELPHI: age is a number

SCORPIUS: albus please get away from her

ALBUS: ha? we’re friends, though?

SCORIPUS: jesus christ

DELPHI: wizzo!

me: oh no, do not try to make forced wizard slang happen, you stop that

ALBUS: so, the plan is to go back to the triwizard tournament and foil cedric’s attempts to win! we’ve got three tasks, so, that’s three chances.

SCORPIUS: we have a time-machine, i think that’s more than three chances

DELPHI: WIZZO

SCORPIUS: but, that aside, i have concerns. like, what if we get him killed? by a dragon, for example?

DELPHI: when would hogwarts ever let a student, especially a triwizard champion, die?

SCORPIUS: like, all the time, that’s why we’re doing this!

DELPHI: enough of your non-believing. change into these durmstrang robes, and let’s go.

SCORPIUS: durmstrang robes?! you just had these!?

DELPHI: my uncle thinks of everything.

SCORPIUS: suspicious!!!

ALBUS: no, cool! but there aren’t any for you?

DELPHI: haha i’m too old to pass for a student

SCORPIUS: then stop flirting with albus!

DELPHI: haha we’re just joking around, it’s fine 🙂 i’ll just blend into the background, don’t worry

SCORPIUS: well. actually. if we have to do this, you’ll draw attention. so how about we go and you stay behind?

DELPHI: no! i have to go! cedric is my cousin!

ALBUS: he’s right, though. we’ll do it. so trust us, delphi, okay?

DELPHI: okay… i trust you. (she kisses albus on both his cheeks)

SCORPIUS: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!

DELPHI: laters 😉

SCORPIUS: albus! no!

ALBUS: let’s… let’s go back in time, bud.

SCORPIUS: [marge simpson growl]

meanwhile, harry is searching for albus and scorpius in the forest. the centaur bane comes up to him.

HARRY: oh hi bane

BANE: why are you in our forest. we asked you to stop doing that.

HARRY: yeah no i know, i’m really sorry, i just gotta find my son real quick

BANE: ah yes. albus severus potter. the stars have spoken of him.

HARRY: really?

BANE: they say no wonder he’s such a confused, moody, emo little shit when you gave him such a terrible name

HARRY: oh bane, you crack me up

BANE: they also say there is a dark cloud around your son, harry potter. and soon you may lose him forever.

HARRY:     wha

BANE: later loser

HARRY: OH GOD ALBUS PLEASE COME BACK

instead, albus and scorpius are getting ready to use the time-turner.

SCORPIUS: look at hogwarts

ALBUS: i’d rather not, i hate it

SCORPIUS: i don’t. everyone’s horrible to me, sure, but you know what? it’s all worth it for the time i get to spend with you

ALBUS:     man,

SCORPIUS: i mean it. i always fantasised about coming to hogwarts and just, having adventures, you know? like your dad and his friends.

ALBUS: but instead of my dad, you got me.

SCORPIUS: and you’re way better

ALBUS: scorpius…

SCORPIUS: i mean it. you’re my best friend, and i’m lucky to have you. even if this whole thing is terrifying me a bit.

ALBUS: you’re my best friend too. thanks for helping me. i have a feeling it’s going to go well.

RON: whoa, i’m right on the scent of something really gay — ALBUS? SCORPIUS? IS THAT YOU TWO?

ALBUS: shit it’s the cops, quick, let’s go!

they use the time-turner, and disappear in a flash of golden light. the set must do something super amazing here, i’m sure, but unfortunately all we have is text. and then they’re at the triwizard tournament, just before the first task, and ludo bagman is here. great.

BAGMAN: HI KIDS ARE YOU READY TO WATCH YOUR CLASSMATES STEAL FROM DEADLY DRAGONS WHO DESPERATELY WANT TO KILL THEM?!

CROWD: excited screaming

CHARLIE WEASLEY: haha i can’t believe a dragon fucker like me approved this

ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE: fucking dragons is rank as

CEDRIC: all right guys check this out (he raises his wand)

ALBUS: expelliarmus!

CEDRIC: what the –?

BAGMAN: oh whoa what? something weird and unexpected is going on! did someone mistake cedric diggory for harry potter?!

SCORPIUS: albus, the time-turner is doing something weird, get over here!

BAGMAN: well i guess this means cedric diggory is out of the tournament. how embarrassing!

me: why? someone attacked him? surely he should get another chance after that’s been investigated?

BAGMAN: how embarrassing! there’s no coming back from that disaster!

scorpius grabs albus. the time-turner takes them back to the future (no mcfly). albus starts doubling over in pain.

SCORPIUS: no! albus! you can’t be hurt! or dying! are you dying?! you can’t die, i haven’t told you that i —

RON: there they are! see, i told you!

harry, ginny and draco are with ron now. and ron’s hair is different! he has a ‘side-parting’?! what is this emo bullshit in this AU fic within this bad fic?!

ALBUS: hi dad. something wrong?

HARRY: what the shitballs

albus faints! they take him to the hospital wing. harry sits by his bed, watching albus. there’s a painting behind them. dumbledore watches them from it, trying to be stealthy. but harry spots him and dumbledore’s like ‘aw shit awks’.

HARRY: i’ve missed you. you’ve never been in your portrait when i visit, you’ve never been in any paintings, i… i’ve missed you, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: get over me, harry.

HARRY: my son’s been passed out for twenty-four hours. his arm was broken, but in a super fucked up way, like it was broken 20 years ago.

DUMBLEDORE: haha what? how would they even be able to tell that?

HARRY: i never asked, but. what do you think of me naming him after you?

DUMBLEDORE: to be honest harry, it’s pretty weird. i was kind of a dick? my name’s a lot to live up to. then like that wasn’t bad enough you just go and throw in severus’.

HARRY: please help me, dumbledore. i need your advice.

DUMBLEDORE: change his name to something nice and fitting, like jon stone

HARRY: no, i mean, the centaur bane says he’s in danger. i don’t know how to protect him. and nobody else knows either. but you always knew, sir. you always had… some idea…

DUMBLEDORE: you’re asking me? harry, we can’t protect the young from anything. we can only try to prepare them.

HARRY: but he won’t listen to me!

DUMBLEDORE: or maybe you’re too blinded by love to listen to him. to see what’s really hurting him. to truly prepare him. as i was with you.

HARRY: someone’s hurting my son? who is it? i’ll kick their arse!!!

ALBUS, in his sleep: dad……. this is so not subtle………..

DUMBLEDORE: but what do i really know? i’m just memory-infused paint.

HARRY: ohhh is that how that works then

DUMBLEDORE: well, smell ya

HARRY: smell ya? what does that mean? wait, where did you go? you didn’t tell me anything! aw, this shit again?!

ALBUS, waking up: i’m in… the hospital wing?

HARRY: yeah. let’s eat some chocolate.

they do that.

HARRY: is your arm okay?

ALBUS: yeah

HARRY: what were you doing?

ALBUS: we were going to go live as muggles. the durmstrang robes were a distraction while we slipped away, but, we realised we couldn’t live in the muggle world so we came back.

HARRY: that seems legit. was it scorpius’ idea?

ALBUS: haha what? no, obviously not

HARRY: i don’t believe THAT obvious lie! scorpius is a bad influence and i need you to stay away from him.

ALBUS: stay away from him?! he didn’t do anything wrong! and he’s my best friend, my only friend! he’s always been there for me! i’ve always been there for him!

HARRY: he’s dangerous. a centaur told me there’s a black cloud around you. that’s definitely scorpius.

ALBUS: what?! scoripus is so white he’s a malfoy?

HARRY: not a literal — it’s a metaphor, see, and the death eaters are probably coming back, voldemort too maybe, so, you see,

ALBUS: no i don’t see! and you can’t make me stay away from him!

HARRY: yes i can. i have this map, see, the marauder’s map. it’ll show us anywhere you are in hogwarts and who’s with you. we’re going to use it to keep permanent watch over you. you’ll start taking lessons separate from scorpius and between lessons you’ll be in the gryffindor common room.

ALBUS: this is stupid! are you re-sorting me?! i’m a slytherin, not a gryffindor!

HARRY: stop lying, you’re a gryffindor and you know it. if i find out you spend any more time with scorpius, well, i’ll just have to place a spell on you that’ll let me see and hear everything you see and hear.

ALBUS: a spying spell?! to keep me away from scorpius?!

HARRY: if that’s what it takes

ALBUS, crying: dad! you’re making this so…. young adult romance!!

HARRY: i’ve learnt something from all this, albus, and it’s this: you don’t need to like me. but i need to keep you obedient. i’m sorry it’s come to this, albus, but father knows best.

ALBUS, crying harder: holy shit you’ve gone full disney villain

harry leaves. albus gets out of bed and pursues him.

ALBUS: you can’t do this to me, dad! i’ll run away again!

HARRY: go back to bed, albus.

RON: o hello there then what’s all this then

ALBUS: uncle ron! please, tell me this is all a joke.

RON: a joke? i do not care for such nonsense!

ALBUS: but — you work in a joke shop?

RON: me? in a joke shop? preposterous! no, no, i was merely coming to give you a get-well gift. it was going to be sweets, that’s what i would’ve wanted, but your aunt padma, she told me, you have to think more deeply about these things ronald, get him something sensible. quite right, i agreed, and so i got you these bitchin’ quills.

ALBUS: what the hell is an aunt padma?

RON: my wife! golly gosh, next you’ll be saying you don’t remember my shitlord son, panju.

HARRY: he also said before he was a slytherin not a gryffindor

ALBUS: what?! what’s going on?! (to himself) did changing the past change reality somehow?

RON: well, i’d better go see my shit son. oh, i sure do love that thing. and my wife. yep. indeed.

ron leaves. scorpius arrives.

SCORPIUS: albus! you’re okay! i’m so relieved, i was so worried, i was just coming to see you, and —

HARRY: yes, scorpius, he’s fine. come on, al.

albus is described as looking at scorpius with his heartbreaking. he follows harry.

SCORPIUS: albus? did i do something wrong? look, it didn’t work, but if you’re upset with me just explain why.

HARRY: albus. stop gibbering away. this is your final warning.

SCORPIUS: albus? we’re not doing the miscommunication fallout thing, are we?

ALBUS: sorry, scorpius… it’s better this way.

SCORPIUS: it’s better if you just tell me what’s going on!

ALBUS: just, just stop, okay? we’re, we’re better off without each other, okay?

and now it’s scorpius’ turn for a broken heart!

in mcgonagall’s office, harry and ginny are discussing what to do about albus. harry has outlined his threats to albus, which is now his plan.

MCGONAGALL: soooooo, uh, not that i want to tell you how to parent, but all that right there? intensely fucked up.

GINNY: i’ll say

HARRY: i know what i’m doing

MCGONAGALL: i really don’t think you do. you need to stop this now.

HARRY: no. no this is what dumbledore told me to do.

MCGONAGALL: what? you mean his painting? you know those things are often wildly inaccurate representations, right?

me: my-immortal.mp3 as i gaze at what age has allegedly done to our heroes

HARRY: i know what i’m doing! he’s my son! and you don’t even have kids!

GINNY: what the fuck harry!

MCGONAGALL: i’ve only been a teacher for my entire adult life, yeah, what would i know

HARRY: if you don’t do this i will use my ministry power to come here and arrest you!

MCGONAGALL: wow. okay.

GINNY: ohhh my god

HARRY: i am so justified in all this you guys

ginny stares at the audience as though they’re the camera in hit show ‘the office’

albus enters his defence against the dark arts class. there, standing at the front of the room, almost definitely wearing all black, is hermione.

HERMIONE: ah. mister potter. finally gracing us with your presence, are you?

ALBUS:   what?

HERMIONE: twenty points from gryffindor.

ALBUS: haha ok

POLLY AKA THE MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL: you see! he hates gryffindor! even though he is one! fricken emos, man!

CRAIG: i too would like to state that i still exist

HERMIONE: sit. down. potter.

ALBUS: but you’re not this mean!

HERMIONE: just to prove to you that i am this mean: five million points from gryffindor.

gasps ring out!

albus sits down. he still can’t process that he has CHANGED THE PAST, so he interrupts class several more times. hermione takes more points each time. she takes the most points when he asks why she isn’t married to ron. snape sheds a single proud tear, before going back to his afterlife of eternal scorn. truly, hell hath no fury like a teacher scorned into taking it out on children who have nothing to do with it. what an appealing part of the franchise to bring back, especially in one of its more likeable characters.

there’s an entire scene of albus and scorpius walking up and down stairs, just missing each other, then finally meeting. they stare deep into each other’s eyes, with longing, but then albus turns and walks away. scorpius cries a bit. albus cries more. it sounds perfect for an evanescence amv.

in the potter house, harry and ginny are in the kitchen. ginny is glaring. harry is skulking around.

HARRY: look. i did the right thing.

GINNY: you’re fucking up so much, i’m so angry, i can’t even begin to explain how terrible you’re being because i can’t believe YOU of all people would do this to anyone, especially your son! you should KNOW how horrible this is!

HARRY: it isn’t horrible at all. it’s for the greater good.

GINNY: jesus fucking christ

they’re interrupted by a knock at the door. it’s draco malfoy, and he looks even more pissed than ginny.

DRACO: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.

HARRY: sorry?

DRACO: my son! you made him cry! and i’m trying VERY VERY hard to compose myself but i can’t understand why you would keep your own son away from his best friend!

HARRY: i’m not

GINNY: yeah i can’t deal with this rn brb

DRACO: YOU THREATENED THE HEADMISTRESS INTO CHANGING THEIR TIMETABLES, AND YOU’VE THREATENED YOUR OWN SON! why are you doing this?!

HARRY: i have to protect my son. the centaur bane told me there’s a dark cloud around him. and, draco…. are you really sure scorpius is your son?

DRACO:                                                                                   we’re fighting now

they start duelling. draco is fast, and quickly becomes confident that he’s winning. and i’m gonna quote this bit directly because draco is endearing himself to me so much in this stupid fucking play.

DRACO: Keep up, old man!

HARRY: We’re the same age, Draco.

DRACO: I wear it better.

holy shit, right? their duelling continues. harry throws a chair at draco. draco stops it.

GINNY: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?!

DRACO: aw, busted

the scene changes to hogwarts. scorpius is mopily walking down some stairs when who should pop up but delphi.

DEPHI: hey 🙂

SCORPIUS: what are you doing?! in a school? you — you of all people should not be in a school! and YOU should be the one who has to stay away from albus!

DELPHI: the security here is so lax, man. i just rocked up, nbd, and it’s pretty cool. never been to hogwarts before. (pause) because i was sick as a child.

SCORPIUS: oh, that’s sad

DELPHI: you don’t think it’s suspicious?

SCORPIUS: no, i’m a nerd, it resonates with me

DELPHI: well. we failed horribly. cedric died anyway, he just, made up for it in subsequent tasks. should’ve seen that coming.

SCORPIUS: yes, someone should’ve.

DELPHI: but scorpius, i’m mostly worried about you and albus. he misses you so much. and you two, you just. you belong together.

SCORPIUS:       you’re not so bad, delphi.

we’re back in harry & ginny’s kitchen. they’re sitting down ‘calmly’ now.

DRACO: sorry about your kitchen, ginny.

GINNY: bit of a sexist assumption. actually, harry does most of the cooking.

DRACO: look, scorpius, he’s going through such a hard time. i can’t talk to him. i don’t — i don’t know how, since his mother died. no matter how hard i try, i can’t reach him. like you can’t reach albus. that’s what this dark cloud stuff is about. my son isn’t evil. he’s lonely, he’s scared, and you took his only friend away from him. and you of all people should know what this power of friendship nonsense is all about.

HARRY: look, draco, whatever you think —

DRACO: y’know, i always envied you. you, weasley and granger. the golden trio. three perfect shining friends.

GINNY: i envied them, too.

harry is shocked, but ginny and draco have this look of understanding and bonding. ginny & draco friendship, huh? could this be the best thing i never knew i needed?

HARRY: i just. i need to protect my son, you know?

DRACO: yeah, well, my father always thought he was protecting me, didn’t he? but i just ended up alone. and when i was alone, i went to a dark place. and, you know what else? tom riddle was a lonely child in a dark place too. only he never came out of it. you mightn’t understand that, harry, but i do. and i think ginny does too.

GINNY: yeah. i do. his diary got to me for a reason.

she doesn’t actually mention the diary, but wouldn’t it make so much more sense if she did!!! let me wishful thinking the good bits of this play into even better ok

DRACO: maybe the dark cloud bane saw was albus’ loneliness, his pain, his hatred. and you’re only making it worse this way. you’ll lose him to it if you keep doing this. don’t lose him, harry. he needs you, but he also needs scorpius. those two need each other.

harry is too stunned to speak. it’s relatable.

the scene changes to hogwarts library. albus is there scorpius enters and approaches him.

SCORPIUS: hi

ALBUS: scorpius… i can’t talk to you

SCORPIUS: oh, yeah, i know, cos you’re a gryffindor now. but too bad, albus. we’re talking.

ALBUS: that’s not why, but i can’t —

SCORPIUS: we were idiots to even try this, albus. i looked it up and there’s this theory, that the furthest back a time-traveller can go without causing serious harm to themselves and time itself is five hours. so, no wonder we’ve done so much bad stuff, huh?

ALBUS: yeah, i get it. ron’s weird, hermione’s a professional snape cosplayer, and rose doesn’t exist.

SCORPIUS: because of us! we’re why she doesn’t exist. because of what we did, hermione wouldn’t go out with viktor krum, so ron never got jealous, so they never fell in love.

ALBUS: that’s… such a heterosexual understanding of love. like, right out of the romcoms.

SCORPIUS: would you take this seriously?!

ALBUS: i am! my dad’s being weird, too!

SCORPIUS: your dad is the same, your family is the same, so would you get over it?! this is bigger than your dad and you, albus!

ALBUS: we can fix it, though. you still have the time-turner, right? so we’ll try again. we’ll save cedric, and rose, and —

they start scuffling, albus trying to take the time-turner, scorpius trying to stop him.

SCORPIUS: aren’t you listening to me! why don’t you ever listen to me! we can’t do it albus, we’re not good enough to do it right, we’re losers.

ALBUS: i wasn’t ever a loser before meeting you

SCORPIUS: this isn’t going to impress your dad!

ALBUS: this isn’t about that shut up, i’m trying to save people’s lives

SCORPIUS: no, that’s exactly what this is about. that’s what it’s always about! you feeling sorry for yourself, because you think you’ve got it so rough being harry potter’s son. well how about you try being me? see what it’s like having people think your dad’s a monster, whether it’s a death eater or voldemort himself!

ALBUS: what’re you —

SCORPIUS: stop feeling sorry for yourself and look around you, albus! you say i ruined your life? well at least your life wasn’t always ruined. nothing’s different for me here. my mum’s still dead, people still say voldemort’s my father, but i’m still here comforting the son of the Boy Who Lived. you’re the boy who never gives back, the boy who takes too much, the boy who emos too much.

albus is stunned.

SCORPIUS: and you know what else? you never made my life better. because you’re a terrible friend.

ALBUS: scorpius…

MCGONAGALL: is that an albus/scorpius moment i hear? albus! you know you’re not supposed to see him!

ALBUS: shit, the cops. quick, scorpius. (he pulls the invisibility cloak from his bag) under here!

they hide under the cloak. mcgonagall enters.

MCGONAGALL: oh, i could’ve sworn the marauder map said they were in here! it must be broken.

the spirit of sirius black probably: IT NEVER LIES!! IT NEVER BREAKS!

MCGONAGALL: yes, definitely broken. i didn’t see anything.

albus and scorpius sneak around and they’re obvious even while invisible.

MCGONAGALL: DID NOT SEE THOSE BOOKS FALLING EITHER.

mcgonagall leaves. albus takes the cloak off, and they sit on the ground.

ALBUS: i stole the cloak from james. he’s, really easy to steal from.

scorpius nods, but doesn’t speak.

ALBUS: scorpius, i’m really sorry. about everything. especially about your mum. i don’t know how to talk about it. i don’t know if you even want to. but, i’m so sorry.

SCORPIUS: thanks

ALBUS: and, i haven’t been avoiding you because i’m in gryffindor here. it’s my dad. he said, something about their being a dark cloud over me? and he decided it’s you. which is rubbish, you’re too good for me. so, he made me stay away. and made mcgonagall help. i should’ve told you right away. but i was scared.

SCORPIUS: does he actually believe i’m voldemort’s son?

ALBUS: yeah, he’s like, investigating it and everything. it’s so stupid. and such a waste of money.

SCORPIUS: i dunno… maybe it is true.

ALBUS: no way! if voldemort ever had a kid, there’s no way they’d ever be as kind as you. seriously, you’re the best person i know. i should’ve told you that a long time ago.

SCORPIUS: yeah, i like hearing it

ALBUS: and, you know what? my life sucks without you.

SCORPIUS: yeah, i lied a bit, cos my life sucks without you too

ALBUS, tearing up: it’s such a classic kelly clarkson song

SCORPIUS, likewise: i know!

they hug it out.

SCORPIUS: no homo, right?

ALBUS: sure, scorpius. sure.

and then, unfortunately, it’s back to the plot.

ALBUS: i have an idea for how we can save cedric, though. because of what you said. we’re losers, so we know how to make other people losers. so what if we humiliate him so much he gives up?

SCORPIUS: this is a fantastic plan and i see no way it could backfire

me: are you fucking kidding me

ALBUS: let’s go save cedric!

the scene changes to ron walking around hogwarts, angstily. he sees hermione and smiles. oh yes, you know what they’re about to do. they’re really going there. do some stretches now to counteract the cringing you’ll be doing

RON: hermione! hi.

HERMIONE, ‘her heart leaps a bit’: what are you doing here, ron?

RON: ah, my shit son got in trouble again. something backfired and now he’s got a moustache, no big deal. know what is a big deal though? your hair! looks amaze balls.

HERMIONE: uh? really? i just brushed it, i guess

RON: it looks amaze balls

there is a tense silence which makes you wonder: why did you marry padma if you clearly don’t like her? and why don’t you like your son, ron? he sounds fine! a little arrogant and prank-y, but you are a WEASLEY, that’s like, what your entire family does professionally! so what is this forced hetero bullshit?

RON: so, hey, know what’s weird though? harry’s son, albus, said he thought we were married!

HERMIONE: HAHAHA YEAH THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, WHAT WITH US BEING FRIENDS AND ALL!!

RON: HAHAHA YEAH SUPER WEIRD! WE’RE FRIENDS! JUST FRIENDS!

they stare deeply and intensely into each other’s eyes.

RON: i’d better go teach my shit son how to have a moustache

HERMIONE: yeah…. bye, ron

RON, whispering: your hair looks so amazeballs i wanna smell it

hermione blushes.

meanwhile, harry and ginny turn up in mcgonagall’s office.

MCGONAGALL: so listen harry, here’s your shitty map, take it back. i don’t want any part of what you’re doing to your son and scorpius malfoy. i know, your threats, all that, but pull yourself together and stop being a dick

HARRY: i am! draco gave me a stern talking to

DRACO, turning up: that i did. now where’s my son?

MCGONAGALL: oh well let me just use this map i was just decrying to find out. (pause) they’re in the bathroom on the first floor. together.

DRACO: scorpius isn’t gay enough for that!

GINNY: albus is exactly gay enough for that

HARRY: this isn’t a gay thing. they’re up to something. let’s go get them before it’s too late

they run off together to the bathroom

in the bathroom, scorpius and albus are practicing the engorgement charm

ALBUS: so we’ll like, make cedric’s head huge so he floats out of the water

SCORPIUS: that is absolutely how that would work

ALBUS: you’re not being extra nice and humouring me because you shouted at me earlier, are you?

SCORPIUS: no i genuinely believe this plan will work, i know it’s at odds with how pragmatic i was before

MOANING MYRTLE: well, well, well. a potter and a malfoy. i don’t know about you, but i’m ready for lunch

SCORPIUS: hide me

ALBUS: myrtle, hi, great to see you. we’re hoping to get into the great lake from this bathroom. any ideas how we can achieve that?

MOANING MYRTLE: go down this sink here, and you’ll get right there

ALBUS: awesome. we’ve got a time-turner and we’re gonna save cedric diggory from dying

MOANING MYRTLE: fantastic! he was so…. delicious………

SCORPIUS: why is this ghost talking about eating people? who do i have to call to handle this ghastly problem?

albus strips off his cloak and climbs onto the sink. apparently they can just slide right through, man, i don’t know.

ALBUS: with the time-turner’s five minute limit, we’ll probably have to be in the lake when we go back. you ready, scorpius?

SCORPIUS: how have we now suddenly figured out the exact time limit on this dodgy time-turner? and how are we gonna breathe?

ALBUS: i’ve stolen some gillyweed, of course

SCORPIUS: of course.

albus eats some gillyweed and goes through the pipe first. scorpius follows quickly because moaning myrtle is pretty creepy. almost immediately after they’ve gone, the parent squad and mcgonagall run into the bathroom

HARRY: albus!

MOANING MYRTLE: well well well, it’s a potter-malfoy feast today, isn’t it

DRACO: oh god hide me

HARRY: myrtle? did you see our sons?

MOANING MYRTLE: oh, oops, i wasn’t meant to say, but when i look into your eyes…. yes, they’re going to save cedric diggory

HARRY, paling: THEY’RE FUCKING TIME-TRAVELLING FUCK

the scene changes to the second task of the triwizard tournament. ludo bagman is back at it again while albus and scorpius lurk under the water, still convinced this is a good idea.

BAGMAN: all right my excited spectators, i hope you’re ready to stare at the lake! here’s what’s going down: viktor krum is a shark-man now! kersplash! fleur delacour is, well, does it really matter now, she looks good though. and harry potter is using gillyweed, isn’t he clever! oh but the real star is cedric diggory, who’s doing a bubble-head charm!

casual reminder that in the books the bubble-head charm is described as looking like they’re wearing a round goldfish bowl over their head. is bagman being facetious? does it really matter?

ALBUS & SCORPIUS: engorgement charm!!!

BAGMAN: oh, but what’s this?! cedric is inflating! he’s growing, he’s growing, he’s growing — he’s lifting off! i haven’t seen a hot air balloon this forced since jessie and james met meowth! ooh, and speaking of, looks like cedric’s blasting off agaiiiiiiiin!

there is a ding sound effect as cedric blasts off. then there’s fireworks.

BAGMAN: whoa! and what’s this?! wet-start fireworks! and they’re spelling something out….. ‘RON LOVES HERMIONE’. wow! the crowd loves this!

romione shippers: YEAH YOU BET WE DO

BAGMAN: anyway, back to cedric. how humiliating! what a failure he is. what a loser. why do we even have hufflepuffs, anyway? well, that about wraps it up here. back to the future, albus and scorpius.

there is a flash and they do indeed go back to the future. or, at least, scorpius scrambles out of the lake.

SCORPIUS: we did it!

scorpius turns to find albus, but he’s not there

SCORPIUS: …..albus? c’mon, you promised nothing would go wrong!

and then dolores umbridge storms over

UMBRIDGE: SCORPIUS MALFOY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE LAKE?!

SCORPIUS: oh, miss, please help me, there’s a student stuck in the lake! albus potter!

UMBRIDGE: MISS?! NO, I AM YOUR HEADMISTRESS, AND THERE ARE NO POTTERS. WE EXTERMINATED THE LAST, HARRY POTTER, AT THE BATTLE OF HOGWARTS. REST IN PIECES? HA! TOO GOOD FOR HIM! REST IN PERPETUAL DESPAIR, POTTER!

She for real says “rest in perpetual despair” about Harry. it’s kind of amazing.

SCORPIUS: i, i, what?

UMBRIDGE: MORE IMPORTANTLY! GET BACK IN THE CASTLE!

SCORPIUS: i’d rather not

UMBRIDGE: SCORPIUS MALFOY! STOP RUINING VOLDEMORT DAY!

SCORPIUS: voldemort day??

and thus concludes both Act Two and Part One.

buuuuut we’re gonna keep going because they do

PART TWO

ACT THREE

the second part opens with scorpius in umbridge’s office, wearing enough black to make albus jelly. but there is no albus to be turned into jelly.

UMBRIDGE: hi scorpius, it’s great to see you, future head boy. you and all your talents, helping dob out and torture voldemort haters and dumbledore lovers. you’re like the son i never wanted.

SCORPIUS: i think i’m gonna be sick

UMBRIDGE: but, you’ve been very weird in these few days since Voldemort Day! asking all these questions about harry potter, of all vermin, and cedric diggory. we checked you for curses but you’re clean. the augurey is particularly worried about you

SCORPIUS: (stops himself before he asks what the augurey is)

UMBRIDGE: so what’s happening?

SCORPIUS: nothing is happening

UMBRIDGE: okay that’s cool. so we’ll keep working on destroying all the blood traitors?

SCORPIUS: s-sure…

UMBRIDGE: for voldemort and valour!!!!

SCORPIUS: fucking hell

scorpius leaves. as he walks through the grounds, he’s accosted several times by students calling him the ‘Scorpion King’. everyone wants to be his friend. he’s so popular because he helps torture muggle-borns and anyone who sympathises with their existence. the most popular girl in school, polly chapman, stops him

POLLY, posing against a wall: scorpius. you’ve found me at last.

SCORPIUS: uh?

POLLY: stop playing games with my heart, scorpius. you’re the most popular guy in school. i’m the most popular girl in school. head cheerleader, part-time model…..

SCORPIUS: uh. you’re talking to me?

POLLY: oh, you’re so funny, scorpius. ask me out already. please, take me to the Blood Ball, scorpius.

SCORPIUS: the blood ball? that’s not as stephen king as it sounds, right?

POLLY: oh you tease

they hear some screams

SCORPIUS: what was that?

POLLY: oh, it’s just the mudbloods in the dungeon, silly. you know that. it was your idea! oh, oh potter, look at that, i have blood on my shoes….. (whispers) from the evil

SCORPIUS: did you just use ‘potter’ where you should’ve used damn?

POLLY: haha keep up with the hip new lingo, scorpion king (she starts to walk away, but looks back with a wink) i’d say call me but i can’t because that’s muggle filth, so, owl me! the augurey says we belong together

SCORPIUS: christ

scorpius goes to meet draco. draco has harry’s job in this AU, so he’s at the ministry as the head of magical law enforcement. or: draco malfoy, chief of the wizard cops. the room is covered in banners of augurey birds.

DRACO: you’re late

SCORPIUS: sorry dad

DRACO: why are you being so disrespectful?! and what’s this i hear about you interrogating people about harry potter, huh? you’re being so sloppy, scorpius, i raised you to be better than this, boy.

SCORPIUS: sorry, sir. you weren’t responsible for, all these, muggle deaths were you? like on the bridge and, and there’s muggle death camps, and people being burnt alive in public for disagreeing with voldemort, and me… being the way i am. mum always told me you were a good man. and that i was good. but here, i’ve done terrible things, and you’ve done even worse. what have we become? my cruellest father? everyone i love, goes away in the end…….

DRACO: stop it, where did you learn such emo nonsense. we simply do what we have to do to survive.

SCORPIUS: i’m pretty sure we’ve gone way beyond that, sir. we’re the malfoys, the family you can always count on making things — well, i can’t say darker since we’re basically white supremacists, so, murkier.

DRACO, hesitant: did your mother really say that about me?

SCORPIUS: yeah

DRACO: she always made me less murky… to a point. bit hard here. when you’re a malfoy

SCORPIUS: i don’t want to be like this any more, dad. i don’t want to hurt anyone any more.

DRACO: wow, that’s, refreshing. most kids your age are cool with torture. down with the hip ‘fun’ times. i guess you’re more like your mother than i’d thought.

SCORPIUS: (is genuinely moved)

DRACO: listen, scorpius, whatever it is you’re doing, do it carefully. i can’t lose you too

SCORPIUS: okay

DRACO: ………..for voldemort and valour

SCORPIUS: urgh, yeah, sure, whatever

scorpius goes back to hogwarts and to the library. he starts looking through books

SCORPIUS: cedric’s a death eater, harry’s dead, so i said hey, what’s going on??

CRAIG: ahhhh! scorpion king!

SCORPIUS: i’m so humiliated by that awful nickname, i mean, hey craig, you still exist, what’s up?

CRAIG: nothing! i, i mean, i’m doing your homework, that’s not nothing, i’ll, i’ll have it done for you soon!

SCORPIUS: you do my homework for me? but i love homework (stares off into the distance) what kind of monster am i in this AU fic?

CRAIG: i don’t know what you’re talking about but professor snape will love your potions essay once i’m done!

SCORPIUS, thoughtfully: snape, you say….?

me: oh jesus fuck no not him

but it is him. scorpius runs to the potions classroom to find snape

SNAPE: ever heard of knocking, mister malfoy?

SCORPIUS: it’s such an honour to meet you

me: is it though

SCORPIUS: i come from another world, an AU where harry survived and the order of the phoenix won the battle of hogwarts. but, his son albus and i, we stole a time-turner that can go way back in time and actually change the past rather than the more cause-and-effect type of time-travel previously established in this series and yeah we tried to bring back cedric diggory because albus was upset at his dad, but now cedric diggory’s a death eater because we humiliated him by turning him into a balloon and oh my god i’m realising just now how stupid this entire plot is

SNAPE: yes, it is stupid, and i don’t believe you

SCORPIUS: but it’s what we’ve got to work with, so, i’ll push on through! what did cedric do at the battle of hogwarts?

SNAPE: he killed neville longbottom. it was awesome.

SCORPIUS: ohmygod and neville was supposed to kill nagini! it all makes sense!

me: well, not sense, but y’know, a good attempt

SNAPE: get out before your father hears of this

SCORPIUS: no no no! i know things! like, you were dumbledore’s spy all along, and you always tried to protect harry because you were in love with his mother lily! which was definitely sweet and inspiring and brave and not at all creepy and weird! sure, you may have bullied the hell out of everyone, especially harry, and i should probably be concerned that you just expressed glee at the death of neville longbottom, but harry says you’re brave and kind and amazing so you are! you’re so great snape, if we keep saying it it will be true! and that’s why harry named his emo son after you and dumbledore. albus severus potter.

SNAPE, tearing up: that’s the most horrible name i’ve ever heard, and the thought of a james potter descendant being named it makes my heart grow three sizes this day

SCORPIUS: yes! you’re just so moved by your deep, not at all concerning or creepy obsessive ‘love’ for lily potter!

SNAPE: come on, i’ll show you to our hideout

their hideout is the shrieking shack. as soon as he walks in, scorpius is pinned to a table by hermione, who is described as being a “full warrior now, and it suits her”. nobody ever appreciates the political battles, do they.

HERMIONE: i’ll fucken kill you, kid

SNAPE: that’d be boring, why are you so boring? you were boring as a student too

HERMIONE: i was a fucking delight you dickhead!

this is how we know they’re friends now.

RON: hey guys what’s going on in — AW SHIT THE COPS!

SCORPIUS: am i the cops now? how can i be non-conformist if i’m the cops? i wish albus was here to guide me down this emo road, but instead, i walk alone……

SNAPE: he’s on our side

RON: oh well okay then cool

scorpius tells them what he knows and what he and albus have done

RON: so, basically, you’re telling me that the fate of the world depends on neville longbottom of all people? haha it’s funny cos he’s worthless

HERMIONE: isn’t it incredible how we’re being portrayed as never having cared for neville before he proved his worth to us by killing nagini?

RON: i’ll say, it’s so consistent with the existing canon and our personalities! all for a cheap laugh!

SNAPE: cheap laughs at longbottom’s expense are my favourite thing

SCORPIUS: look, can you help or not?

RON: well, there’s not much of dumbledore’s army left

SCORPIUS: i thought it was the order of the phoenix?

RON: not any more. anyway, granger here is a wanted woman, i’m a wanter man…

SNAPE: less wanted than she is

no, they seriously make that joke. SERIOUSLY. gag me now.

SCORPIUS: in the AU i come from, hermione and ron are married with kids. you’re always surprised by this in AUs where it doesn’t happen, probably because it didn’t happen for reasons i’m not seeing, but i’ll do a little speech about how you’re made for each other too

HERMIONE: don’t fucking look at me ron or i’ll cut you

RON: ahaha okay

SNAPE: and i’m dead?

SCORPIUS: yeah, sorry, killed by voldemort

SNAPE: fuckin’ bitchin’

HERMIONE: well, we’ll go back and stop your past selves from doing what you did at the triwizard tournament. shield charms should do it.

SNAPE: i’ll do it

HERMIONE: no i’ll do it

RON: no i’m spartacus

HERMIONE: i’m tired of living in hiding, let me have this one

SCORPIUS: how about we all go?

they all go.

they go back to the First Task, hanging out to the back. scorpius points out albus, who’s going to disarm cedric, if you remember from part one. hermione blocks his charm, and then they go back to the future.

RON: oh no i’ve been injured somehow

SNAPE: we’re outside in the open. voldemort’s dementor army will come after us if we don’t move

HERMIONE: we did the first task right, so, now you just need to go back and stop the second from going wrong

RON: i can’t move? i think? and the dementors are coming

HERMIONE: they’re after me, not all of you. we’re time-travelling anyway, right? so, i’ll let them have me while you guys run away

RON: no! they’ll eat your soul!

HERMIONE: and then you’ll time-travel to fix it so it never happened

RON: i won’t leave you!

HERMIONE: i always loved you

RON: how come we never talked about those weird fireworks at the second task?

HERMIONE: i don’t know, ron… i don’t know.

RON: kiss me you fool

they kiss each other, and the dementors eat their souls

SCORPIUS: this is so sad

me: why are you just standing watching instead of at least moving a bit off stage

SCORPIUS: dementors make me sad, so sad i think i’m gonna die. like my mum.

SNAPE: nothing makes me sad. i have no emotion except the emotion that is anger at being scorned

SCORPIUS: that’s so specific

SNAPE: it’s a lie. i do that. i survive this by thinking of the only person i’ve ever loved… lily…….. i’m so not creepy…… now, scorpius, you try it too. think about who you’re doing this for. think about albus

SCORPIUS: albus……. 🙂

NO, REALLY.

SNAPE: that’s right. all it takes is one person. i did wrong by lily, and i failed to protect her son, so i gave everything to the cause she believed in. and i maybe believe in it a little myself, now.

SCORPIUS: i’d find that much more inspiring if the cause wasn’t ‘muggles and muggle-borns have the right to live’

SNAPE: don’t kinkshame me

SCORPIUS: but, well… i might be better off in this world, but this world isn’t better

me: in what way are you better off in this world, jesus christ…. are high schoolers really this blinded by the popularity narrative? or is it just that adults have forgotten so much about what being in high school was like that we always default to writing them in that way?

professor umbridge emerges from the castle

UMBRIDGE: SO! THE MUDBLOOD HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BEEN KILLED. EXCELLENT! WHAT A PITY YOU ARE A TRAITOR, SEVERUS, AND HAVE LED THE SCORPION KING ASTRAY

SCORPIUS: the scorpion king thing is really not cool at all

UMBRIDGE: YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, SEVERUS-SCREAM!!!!

SNAPE: oh, the number of times i’ve heard that

umbridge starts to fucking float, glowing with ‘dark magic’. she pulls out her wand. snape uses his wand to send her flying through the air. now it is umbridge who’s blasting off again (ding)

SNAPE: you need to get to the lake, scorpius

SCORPIUS: oh yeah right that

SNAPE: i’ll call my patronus, and you run, boy. run to that lake. save albus severus potter. and tell him, tell him i…. (snape tears up) tell him i can’t fucking believe how stupid his name is, how expected from his fool of a father

SCORPIUS: i will. thank you, snape. you totally don’t suck

me: jesus hold me back

jesus: nah this whole ‘snape was a bullying asshole who took his anger out on children but in the end he was good cos he helped harry as motivated by obsessive love for a woman who hated him, what a great guy’ thing shits me off too

snape conjures his doe patronus. it holds the dementors off, protecting scorpius as he gets to the lake. as snape’s patronus protects scorpius, snape’s soul is eaten by the dementors. all i said just aside: this might be a genuinely heroic moment from the franchise’s resident fuckboy.

the doe disappears. scorpius dives into the lake. there’s a bang, and a flash, and then a moment of dramatic silence.

scorpius climbs out of the lake. and a few moments later, albus emerges too.

ALBUS: whoa that was a rush

SCORPIUS, tearing up: albus! i’m so happy to see you!

ALBUS: you saw me like, two minutes ago. but we failed to save cedric

SCORPIUS: i know! we failed! and that’s beautiful! and you! you’re beautiful. beautiful, and in slytherin, and my friend.

ALBUS: did you eat too many sweets? or did time-travel happen some more?

SCORPIUS: time-travel happened some more

the responsible adults (harry, ginny, draco and mcgonagall) approach them

HARRY: albus! are you okay?!

SCORPIUS, pretty much crying with relief: harry potter! and ginny! and the headmistress! AND MY DAD! HI DAD!

DRACO: hi scorpius

MCGONAGALL: so, myrtle tells us you’ve been time-travelling

ALBUS: aw shit the cops

SCORPIUS, crying: i’m so happy

MCGONAGALL: you’ve got some explaining to do

SCORPIUS: okay lemme get the time-tuner and — oh no. i can’t find it??

ALBUS: can’t find what?

HARRY: albus. come on. we know what’s going on, cut the act

ALBUS: fuck the police

they go to the headmistress’ office, and scorpius pretty much tells everything. the adults are not impressed.

MCGONAGALL: so, you’ve accidentally erased people from existence, including yourself albus, and got your father killed, reviving the dark lord and bringing about a new age of dark magic. what do you have to say for yourselves?

ALBUS: my… intentions were good?

HARRY: they sure were, son.

ALBUS: please stop talking

MCGONAGALL: and you’ve lost the time-turner. well. there will be punishment for this

HARRY: steady on there minerva

MCGONAGALL: you had me spying on your son, shut up, this isn’t the time to be lenient. parent how you want, but i have to be responsible in this school. so albus and scorpius will have detention for the rest of this year

SCORPIUS: aw, poopie

HERMIONE: hey, what’s going on in here?

MCGONAGALL: knock before entering, minister

HERMIONE: oh no i’m in the bad books too? 😦

MCGONAGALL: your children stopped existing because you were negligent with a time-turner!

HERMIONE: ooh, well, when you put it like that….

MCGONAGALL: really, albus and scorpius, i should expel you, but, all things considered (looks at harry, damn minerva’s good at basketball) you will probably be safer in my care, albus. and here is an important lesson your father never seemed to grasp: bravery doesn’t forgive stupidity. you have to think carefully before acting in all circumstances, and you didn’t think before playing with the fabric of reality

ALBUS: i’m sorry, professor

SCORPIUS: me too, professor

MCGONAGALL, to all of them: you’re all very young, to me… none of you understand how much we sacrificed to keep you safe, and to build this world. that is why you toy with it so carelessly.

silence

MCGONAGALL: go find that time-turner. bring it to me before it’s too late.

the scene changes to albus in his dorm. harry enters. he’s angry but trying to be a cool dad

HARRY: hey, thanks for letting me come here

ALBUS: yeah. okay.

HARRY: we haven’t managed to fine the time-turner. the merpeople are helping us look. but, albus, can you tell me why you did this?

ALBUS: i thought i could make things better. it isn’t fair that cedric died

HARRY: no, it isn’t. don’t you think i know that? i saw him die. but this was too far, you risked too much…

ALBUS: i get that now, okay?

HARRY, getting angry: if you were trying to be like me, you were doing it wrong. i never went looking for trouble. i never volunteered. i didn’t have a choice. you did. and you made a really stupid choice. you nearly destroyed everything.

ALBUS: i know, okay? (wipes away a single tear) i know.

HARRY, trying to chill again: i did a lot of that recently too. it was really stupid of me to think scorpius was voldemort’s, or a black cloud. i’m not gonna keep you apart any more, or spy on you ever again. i was scared, and confused, so i did something stupid and hurt you. i’m sorry, albus.

ALBUS: really?

HARRY: yeah. and, you know, when you ran away, your mum wouldn’t let me in your room. she was trying to keep it exactly how it was. she was so scared. so was i.

ALBUS: i didn’t think you were scared of anything

HARRY: ha, what? did i really make you think that?

ALBUS: you know, after we changed the past the first time, i ended up in gryffindor. but we were still the same. so, it’s never been about that?

HARRY: no, it’s never been about that

albus looks away

HARRY: are you okay, albus?

ALBUS: no

HARRY: i’m not either

and to prove it, we cut to another of harry’s fucked up dreams! featuring more aunt petunia! at lily and james’ grave! oh happy happy joy joy

AUNT PETUNIA: hurry up and lay down your grotty little flowers so we can go

HARRY: there’s a lot of other flowers here. who left them? you said my parents didn’t have any friends

AUNT PETUNIA: they didn’t. your mum was repulsive and your dad was obnoxious. but, but i suppose… (she looks at the flowers and is almost moved to tears. she fights these things you humans call emotions) no, this must be a trick. get away from the grave, boy.

a hand bursts from the grave, covered in bone white skin, thin, with long, spider-like hands. petunia pulls harry away. another hand emerges, and it digs, until from the grave rises voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: haaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrry pottttttttttttttttteeeeer………..

HARRY: ?!?!?!

VOLDEMORT: ……….how can you see through my eyes, like open doors?

HARRY: ??????

albus bursts from voldemort’s robe. he scrambles towards harry, desperately reaching for him

ALBUS: dad!

and then everything is parseltongue until voldemort once again goes,

VOLDEMORT: haaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrry pottttttttttttttttteeeeer………..

harry wakes up at home, in the kitchen

GINNY: harry? you were screaming, are you all right?

HARRY: it was… weird, i never went to my parents’ grave with my aunt… what is voldemort trying to tell me? that he has albus? he was talking to me. he’s… coming

GINNY: harry, you have to tell me. is albus in danger?

HARRY, for real: we all are.

the scene changes to the slytherin dorn at hogwarts. albus is sleeping. scorpius is standing over him.

SCORPIUS: albus, wake up so me watching you sleep isn’t creepy

ALBUS: ah! scorpius! you scared me.

SCORPIUS: uh, just to reaffirm my leaning: i saw so exicted to see rose today! she called me a bread head. it was the most beautiful thing i’ve ever heard. except for you. no homo. i’m straight. anyway i tried to hug her and she kicked me, isn’t that cute?

ALBUS: i worry about you

SCORPIUS: it was so bad in the voldemort lives AU, albus. i’m so happy to be back. and have you back. and to be me again. i was so mean there…

ALBUS: well, you fixed it. you changed it back. so don’t worry about it.

SCORPIUS: only cos i knew how i’m meant to be

ALBUS: i wonder if i know how i’m meant to be, yet. i was so arrogant, going back twice. after we’d already screwed things up badly enough by erasing rose and hugo, who apparently exists now.

SCORPIUS: don’t start any waiting for hugo shit, albus

ALBUS: it was stupid enough to try and save cedric. you were right though, this wasn’t about him. it was about proving myself to him. and, well, he never went looking for trouble. i did. so what did i prove but how stupid i am?

SCORPIUS, passionately: how stupid we are

ALBUS: i could’ve destroyed the world

SCORPIUS: we could’ve, and we didn’t

ALBUS: you fixed things, not me

SCORPIUS: you helped. there were dementors, and they would’ve gotten to me if i hadn’t thought of you. thinking of you made me strong enough to do what i had to do. i couldn’t’ve done it without you.

ALBUS: in a way

SCORPIUS: in a way. and, you know, i got into saving cedric too

ALBUS: well, i’ve learnt my lesson

SCORPIUS: good! then you can help me destroy the time-turner

ALBUS: i thought you lost it?

SCORPIUS, whipping it out: i lied. i didn’t trust them with it. i don’t trust anyone with it. i’ve got to see it being destroyed with my own eyes.

ALBUS: maybe we should tell someone about this?

SCORPIUS: nah, it’ll be fine, we’re just going to destroy it

scorpius sizes himself up for a grandiose dramatic quote

SCORPIUS: No, it’s time that time-turning became a thing of the past

sunglasses fall from the meme-space and onto scorpius’ face as the CSI theme screams YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH

ALBUS: how long did you spend rehearsing that?

SCORPIUS: probably too long

there’s a scene change. who knows how long? the script won’t tell me. they’re going to the slytherin dorm, pursued by a prefect called craig bowker jr who we have previously established certainly does exist.

CRAIG: you are breaking the rules by being here! parents are not supposed to be in the dorms! ever! unless the headmistress says so! and oh, imagine if you were professors, no, this is wrong! you can’t do this!

MCGONAGALL: have some chill, mr bowker

CRAIG: gasp my headmistress!!! (he bows)

MCGONAGALL: are they here?

they check the beds. they’re empty.

GINNY: oh jeez not this again….

HARRY: but albus seemed fine when we talked before…

GINNY: what’d you say to him this time, harry?

HARRY: nothing bad! i don’t think! i didn’t lose my temper, i was just honest like you said… do you think i scared him away?

GINNY: i don’t know, harry. but i can only forgive so many mistakes when it comes to our children.

the scene changes to albus and scorpius in the owlery. they’re discussing how to destroy the time-turner.

SCORPIUS: is this really the best place to do this, i wonder?

ALBUS: why worry about that? which spell should we use? they were originally destroyed by stunners.

SCORPIUS: i dunno….

ALBUS: what’s the most non-conformist way to do this?

SCORPIUS: are you for real? this isn’t the time for your lifestyle choices, albus, it’s time to simply make sure we do it right. the spell that does the job is the right spell to use.

DELPHI, from the darkness: you two are super fantastic, you know that? 🙂

SCORPIUS: ah! where’d you come from?

ALBUS: i thought it was appropriate to owl her saying what we’re gonna do, since cedric’s her cousin and all

DELPHI: but you weren’t very descriptive about why in your letter, silly albus 🙂

ALBUS: the world scorpius saw after the second task, well… voldemort ruled it

DELPHI: really? and he was alive? because of what you did?

ALBUS: yeah, we humiliated cedric so much he became a genocide nut, who knew

SCORPIUS: then he killed professor longbottom, which meant harry died in the final battle

DELPHI: well. well then, of course we have to destroy it. cedric would understand, wouldn’t he? can i see the time-turner?

ALBUS: sure, here (as he hands it to her, he sees a tattoo at the back of her neck) hey, i never noticed that before. that tattoo

DELPHI: hm? this old thing? it’s an augurey. they’re these birds that cry when rain is coming, but people say their cries foretell death. my guardian kept one in a cage. euphemia rowle. she didn’t like me much, and i didn’t like her much either.

SCORPIUS: give us back the time-turner

ALBUS: huh? what?

SCORPIUS: albus. the rowles were hardcore death eaters.

ALBUS: what are you saying?

SCORPIUS: in the other world, they kept talking about the augurey. she sounded really important, some high-up death eater they were all scared of. it was you, wasn’t it? you’re one of them, aren’t you?

delphi starts to levitate. she quickly casts spells to bind scorpius and albus.

DELPHI: oh, that was easy 🙂 but you were both always easy 🙂 i didn’t even have to cast spells on either of you, like i did with amos diggory 🙂

ALBUS: what?!

she takes albus’ wand.

DELPHI: am i one of them? well, actually, scorpius, i am the alpha. (she snaps albus’ wand and takes scorpius’) i am the omega. (she snaps scorpius’ wand) i am the answer the world has been seeking. (she holds up the time-turner) and now, i am time itself.

ALBUS: christ you’re melodramatic

meanwhile, in hermione’s office at the ministry of magic, ron is eating porridge. i don’t fucking know either, man.

RON: it’s weird to think we’re not even married in some AUs, i mean, we’ve been married so long. and i’ve been thinking, i wanna do something about that

HERMIONE: are you asking for a divorce???

RON: what? no, the opposite! i wanna do what of those vow renewel things. i was kinda drunk at our last wedding anyway, it’d be good, and i like telling people i love you. so why not? what do you reckon?

HERMIONE: i reckon that’d be great, ron

harry, ginny and draco walk in before they get too deep in the macking.

HARRY: i’m having weird dreams again

DRACO: forget your dreams, my son is missing again and i am so tired

GINNY: relatable

RON: oh, no, they’re not missing. albus has an older girlfriend.

GINNY: oh my god i thought he was gay

HARRY: he could be bi

GINNY: good point but — wait. how much older?

RON: i dunno? i saw them in the owlery. scorpius was keeping a look out. she’s pretty, actually, got this amazing silver and blue hair…

and this is how we, the script-only audience, find out delphi is even more enoby than previously believed.

HARRY: silver and blue hair? you mean…. delphini diggory? this is more about cedric?

HERMIONE: or… oh no…. we should investigate this immediately

they head to the retirement home where amos lives, and to his room

AMOS: oh, look, harry potter. and he’s brought draco malfoy. aren’t i blessed.

HARRY: cut the act old man! how were you manipulating our sons?!

AMOS: excuse me? i wouldn’t ever treat anyone else’s son lightly, mister potter

HARRY: playing senile, are we? then tell us where your niece is

AMOS: you’re being very rude, i don’t understand what you’re talking about. i don’t have a niece. i was an only child, and so was my wife.

DRACO: suspiciouser and suspiciouser

the scene changes. delphi has taken albus and scorpius to the quidditch pitch

ALBUS: ew, why here? i hate quidditch so much

SCORPIUS: this isn’t the time to worry about your damn aesthetic, albus! just face it: the emo way of life was a mistake!

ALBUS: you take that back

SCORPIUS: look where it landed us! (to delphi) this is because the third task was here, isn’t it?

DELPHI: yes, obviously. i’m going to rehumiliate cedric into joining the dark lord. i don’t know why anyone would need humiliation to join the rightful ruler of the magical world, though…

ALBUS: he had a snake face with no nose

DELPHI: now that’s just prejudiced, albus

ALBUS: you’re a death eater, you love that shit!

DELPHI: aw, still trying to impress me, how sweet. but i’m done playing nice with you boys. you’re going to do what i say. and i say make cedric fly out of that maze naked on a broomstick made of purple feathers. fulfil the prophecy.

SCROPIUS: there’s a prophecy now??

DELPHI: the prophecy is about that world you saw, scorpius. the world as it should be. and to be fulfilled, albus has to be the one to do it. of his own free will.

ALBUS: i’ll never do it! i’d sooner die!

DELPHI: i know you would. (she points her wand at scorpius) but would you let him die?

ALBUS: scorpius! no!

SCORPIUS: albus, i’d rather die too

DELPHI: isn’t it funny how you’re more worried about him dying than being killed yourself? tell me, albus, if you love muggles so much why haven’t you tried therapy?

ALBUS: i won’t help you!

delphi casts the cruciatus curse on scorpius

DELPHI: really, albus, do you actually think you’re capable of stopping me? you? the wizarding world’s greatest disappointment. the spare potter. the curse on your family name. i heard you were hilariously pathetic, but this is taking it to a new level

ALBUS: i won’t do it!

delphi casts the cruciatus curse on scorpius again. he’s really taking it like a champ, huh??

ALBUS: stop it! stop hurting him!

SCORPIUS: albus… don’t…

suddenly, craig bowker jr runs on. see, i told you he’d matter eventually

CRAIG: what’s going on in here?! i hear screaming! this isn’t welcome at hogwarts!

DELPHI: avada kedavra

craig is dead. albus and scorpius stare at his body, ‘their minds in hell’.

DELPHI: that’s one spare gone. i don’t need scorpius for the prophecy, only you. i’ll kill any spares, i don’t give a fuck. bring back voldemort. and then i, the augurey, will sit at his side. as the prophecy said!

SCORPIUS: would you tell us the bloody prophecy already?!

DELPHI, direct quote-ly: ‘When spares are spared, when time is turned, when unseen children murder their fathers: then will the Dark Lord return.’

SCORPIUS: that’s it? what a pathetic prophecy

DELPHI: it’s not pathetic!

SCORPIUS: it sounds like a first draft

ALBUS: you’ve been breaking the fourth wall a lot since the voldemort lives AU….

SCORPIUS: albus. they made me say ‘for voldemort and valour’ while celebrating voldemort day. this is representative of my disassociation from reality because what kind of reality would ever result in such bullshit?!

ALBUS: okay, fair enough

DELPHI: you fools don’t understand…. cedric is the spare, and when he is saved by albus, albus will kill his own father! and then voldemort will be back and he’ll make me his right-hand bird and it’s going to be so great!

SCORPIUS: we understood, it’s just rubbish

DELPHI: silence, spare!

she doesn’t kill him because he’s still leverage. she takes them back in time, back to the third task, and the scene ends.

me: god this is dragging on, isn’t it?

they arrive in the past, mid-maze, just as the third task begins. bagman is back at it again, poorly explaining that there’s a cup in the middle of the maze and whoever gets the cup becomes the triwizard champion. cedric and harry are allowed to enter the maze first, as they’re tied for first. the maze moves around them this whole scene cos the hedges are aliiiiiive

DELPHI: where is he, then? where’s cedric? we have to find him… idiot boys, keep up with me or else

they’re forced to follow delphi through the maze as she looks for cedric, being tied up and all. albus and scorpius shift closer together and whisper behind her back

ALBUS: what’re we gonna do?

SCORPIUS: what can we do? she took our wands. we can try to run out the five minute limit, but i don’t think it’ll work, she’s pretty pissed and murder-happy. so, i think, we might have to die

ALBUS: i was afraid you’d say that

SCORPIUS: yeah, sucks huh?

delphi loses albus and scorpius in the maze. they start running as fast as they can. i thought they were too tied up to run, possibly tied to delphi, but, i guess maybe just their arms?

it’s a good attempt, anyway. until delphi starts flying without a broom.

DELPHI: pitiful mortals

she throws them to the ground

DELPHI: your hope ends here! and my meaningless existence with it!

ALBUS: how are you doing that?! without a broom?

DELPHI: urgh, brooms. so mainstream. i’m so far beyond that prep bullshit. now come on. you’re going to humiliate cedric into death eater-dom

SCORPIUS: no we won’t! we mean it when we say we’d rather die than help you

DELPHI: this isn’t about helping me. there’s a prophecy. it must be fulfilled. we have no choice

SCORPIUS: then why are you trying to make it happen?? if it’s destiny it’d just happen and you wouldn’t have to do anything. but here you are forcing it! which means you believe prophecies need to be enabled. which also means prophecies can be broken. it’s basic tier logic

DELPHI: logic is so mainstream, you fucking prep!

ALBUS: i don’t sound like that, do i?

SCORPIUS: little bit

DELPHI: fine. i’ll just kill you. you’re tiresome anyway

???: Expelliarmus!

delphi’s wand flies from her hand. a second spell is cast, and she’s tied up. albus and scorpius stare in delight at their perfect timing saviour: cedric motherfucking diggory

CEDRIC: what’s all this then, eh?

ALBUS: cedric diggory….?

CEDRIC: yes. what’s this test? are you monsters?

SCORPIUS: no, uh, the test was to free us. congrats! you pass

CEDRIC: so i get to complete the maze?

albus and scorpius hesitate. they look at each other miserably, then back to cedric

ALBUS: yeah. i’m afraid you do, cedric

CEDRIC: fuckin’ sweet, bruh

cedric moves around them to continue

ALBUS: wait! cedric!

CEDRIC: what is it?

ALBUS: your father loves you very much

CEDRIC: ………what an odd thing to say. is this another test?

ALBUS: maybe. maybe i just thought you should know.

CEDRIC: i’m from the 90s, so i’m not yet aware of the emo way of life, but if i were, well. you’d be endearing, little emo boy. endearing and weird.

cedric leaves. albus stares after him. scorpius looks at delphi, who’s pulled the time-turner from her robes and is starting to spin it.

SCORPIUS: albus! quick! she can’t leave us trapped here!

they grab onto the time-turner and are zapped somewhere new. still on the quidditch pitch, but with the maze cleared. hogwarts looks the same, as it always does. i guess hogwarts is some eternal classic immune to the usual bizarre and ugly redecorations any other public school would receive.

ALBUS: what now?

SCORPIUS: i don’t know… we had to stop delphi, so…

DELPHI: ha! pitiful mortal! you think you can stop me?! fangz for the laugh. ha! geddit?

ALBUS: the emo way of life was such a mistake

DELPHI: enough blasphemy! i’m going to test your little theory, scorpius. let’s see if prophecies really can be broken.

delphi drops the time-turner to the ground and crushes it underfoot. then, laughing manically, she rises into the air and flies away. albus and scorpius try to run after her but they are incapable of bullshit dark magic flight.

SCORPIUS: it’s too late, she’s gone… and the time-turner’s too broken, i don’t think we’d be able to fix it even if we knew how

ALBUS: we have to stop her, scorpius

SCORPIUS: i know that. i just don’t know how

the scene changes back to the middle-aged squad investigating delphi’s room at the retirement home.

HARRY: delphi must’ve confunded amos. no, all the staff here. she faked being his niece and his nurse, but why?

HERMIONE: the ministry hasn’t found any trace of her existing. just who is she?

they start searching the room. ron bangs on the walls; harry and hermione help him. draco searches the bed. ginny starts taking apart an oil lamp

LAMP: hisss hissssssssssss

HARRY: parseltongue?

GINNY: i thought you didn’t understand that any more

HARRY: i don’t, but, i do right now?

DRACO: protagonist bullshit

HARRY: it said ‘welcome augurey’. let me take a closer look, see if i can get it to open. (he closes his eyes to focus and, in parseltongue, says:) open up

the entire room starts to glow with the power of goffik darkness. fluorescent snakes appear on the walls, slithering around until they spell out the words of the prophecy

DRACO: fucking emos

they investigate the prophecy and quickly deduce its meaning

HARRY: i know that i’m the one who hasn’t seen his child. i’ve gotten that message by now. delphi wants to bring back voldemort, though? why? why would she want to bring back voldemort?

GINNY: maybe this is why

ginny points up. words appear, probably meant to be on the ceiling, and they say: I WILL REBIRTH THE DARK. I WILL BRING MY FATHER BACK.

me: she’s voldemort’s fucking daughter?! what the fuck! how the fuck does that work!

HARRY: no… that’s not true… that’s impossible!

RON: look into your heart, you know it to be true

HARRY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

DRACO: so, you’re telling me someone looked at ol’ snakeface and decided they were up for fucking that? and reproducing with it?

HERMIONE: they’re call furries, draco, and it’s a legitimate lifestyle choice

HARRY: but how could voldemort have a daughter?!

me: i know, right. wasn’t his whole thing about being immortal? as in living forever? so why would he ever want or need a child? which he would view as an heir? you can’t have an heir if you’re never going to die! what purpose would a child serve to his plan? and why would he ever have a child if it wasn’t part of his plan? it doesn’t make sense!

HARRY: ginny, hold me

GINNY: okay babe

ginny holds harry. they all stare at delphi’s emo graffiti. and so act 3 finally ends.

ACT FOUR

act four opens at the ministry with hermione throwing another one of her special council meetings

HERMIONE: so, here’s the sitch: a hogwarts student was murdered. his name was craig bowker jr. this is very sad but more importantly the murderer is voldemort’s daughter, yes, you heard me, VOLDEMORT HAD A DAUGHTER

MCGONAGALL: goodness!! well have you arrested her yet?

HERMIONE: no, she got away. and we think she miiiight have gotten away with a time-turner, so, she could be anywhere in the past

MCGONAGALL: you kept the time-turner?! that’s so unbelievably stupid! shame! shame! shame!

hermione flinches, it’s like her thirteen-year-old worst nightmare!

HARRY: hey, hermione doesn’t deserve that. it’s my fault for being a bad father who didn’t pay enough attention to his son. i’m a negligent parent.

GINNY, standing: no, i’m a negligent parent

DRACO, also standing: no, i’m a negligent parent

RON, joining in: i’m not a negligent parent but i can confirm these three definitely are

HERMIONE: look. we’re doing everything we can to fix this. it just isn’t a lot when she can time-travel. and i guess we can take comforting in know that if she succeeds, well… we probably wouldn’t know better anyway… because we’d all be dead.

HARRY: sweet comfort

meanwhile, albus and scorpius are at a train station, bewildered by a very scottish and muggle station master

SCORPIUS: i can’t believe you had a crush on craig’s murderer

ALBUS: i couldn’t help it, she was so, emo, but… urgh. gross.

the station master gives them a time-table. albus notices the date

ALBUS: it’s october 30th 1981… but that means….

SCORPIUS: what?

ALBUS: i know where delphi is. she’s in godric’s hollow. and she’s going to stop voldemort from being hit by the killing curse that rebounded off my dad. she’s going to kill him herself

SCORPIUS: aw, fucking hell

they go to godric’s hollow. do not ask me how. this is a play script, you cretin, you’re only told so much.

ALBUS: i’ve never been here before. i never wanted to come because it’s a stupid place to take your kids on holiday, dad

SCORPIUS: well, i know my way around. look, that’s the church, it’s famous for its haunted graveyard. and there’s bathilda bagshot’s house. she makes my inner geek squeak and quiver.

no, really!! he basically says that. is it cuteness? is it bad writing? maybe it’s both

ALBUS: and this is my grandparents’ house, isn’t it….

they can see james and lily through the window

me, raising my hand: uh, hi, yes. considering the potter’s house was protected by a secret keeper, as in, its location could only be seen by those told by the secret keeper where it was, how?!?!!?

but the play moves on, back to another scene in harry’s office.

DUMBLEDORE, in a painting: hi harry

HARRY: so. this again. you’re turning up just as the battle is lost. voldemort is going to come back. and my son is lost, he could already be dead, and — and why are you here now?! you’ve always been absent when i needed you most! i fought him three times and you weren’t there. so why are you here now? leave me alone! i’ll face him again on my own!

DUMBLEDORE: harry, i wish i could have fought him for you. every day i wished, but —

HARRY: but what? love blinded you? do you even know what that means? i do! my son is out there somewhere, dead or fighting this battle he shouldn’t have to fight. all because i’ve been as bad a father to him as you were to me! i did the same thing you did… i left him alone in places he hated, i ignored what people were doing to him, i let that resentment grow in him! just like you did to me!

DUMBLEDORE: if you mean privet drive, harry, i didn’t have a —

HARRY: i don’t care! i spent years there all alone, thinking i was broken, and horrible, and cursed, and never knowing why! why i had to be there! why i wasn’t good enough! why nobody could love me! and you always sent me back

DUMBLEDORE: i didn’t want to become attached to you. i wanted to protect you from me.

HARRY: i needed protecting from them!

dumbledore tries to reach out of the portrait, and starts crying when he realises he can’t. he tries to hide his tears

DUMBLEDORE: when i met you, you were eleven years old, yet braver and kinder than i’ve ever been. you walked that path you were forced onto without ever complaining. of course i loved you. i was scared to, though. i have never loved without causing harm, harry. but perhaps… that fear made me harm you more than the truth would’ve.

HARRY: yeah. maybe it did.

DUMBLEDORE: all i can offer you right now is this: there is no perfection in this world. in every moment of happiness, there is a drop of poison, of knowledge that pain will come again. but be honest to the people you love, harry. show them your pain. remember: to suffer is as human as breathing

HARRY: that’s so soft emo, sir. and not actually helpful

DUMBLEDORE: i’m sorry i can’t do more, harry (he starts to leave)

HARRY: i loved you too, sir

DUMBLEDORE: i know

HARRY: star wars is such a good film series

DUMBLEDORE, wiping his tears: it’s the best

harry is alone for a moment. then draco enters.

DRACO: well, this room smells like teen angst

HARRY: ah. let me give you the tour.

DRACO: okay, but it’s just an office, harry.

but harry needs to compose himself, so, y’know.

DRACO: so, get this: scorpius said in the voldemort lives AU, i had your job. seems kinda shitty, no offence. i’ve never been interested in government work, though. my dad lived for it. i’ve always thought it’s boring

HARRY: what did you want to be?

DRACO: quidditch player. i wasn’t good enough, though

HARRY: oh

DRACO: okay, enough small talk, we’re bad at it. it’s time for big talk. (he reaches into his pocket) theodore nott didn’t have the only time-turner. his copy was a prototype. the full completed time-turner was made for my father. he never used it, neither have i. and i kept it hidden because, well… the scorpius rumours…

HARRY: they’re ridiculous. scorpius has a nose.

DRACO: and he looks just like me! he’s better, though

draco takes out the time-turner

DRACO: i don’t know where they could be. but we have to find our sons.

HARRY: we shouldn’t use it…

DRACO: we have to. there’s no other way

HARRY: i know love isn’t going to fix anything this time but we can’t risk undoing reality and bringing back voldemort. or worse. not when we don’t even know where to start looking.

DRACO: urgh. gryffindor protagonists.

HARRY: we have to believe in them, draco. they’ll find a way

DRACO: are you like, drunk right now, or high, or something? cos if so, share

back in the past, albus and scorpius are outside lily and james’ house

ALBUS: we could tell my grandparents?

SCORPIUS: that will just ruin everything. your grandma gave her life out of pure love, if you tell her the curse may not rebound and your dad might not ever get his love-shield thingo.

ALBUS: urgh, this is so hard… we need to get a message to the future, but how?

SCORPIUS: it’s pretty hopeless. still, if i had to pick someone to face the end of the world and eternal darkness with, or any grim uncertain future really, i’d pick you.

ALBUS: no offence but i’d pick someone huge, tough and great at duelling

SCORPIUS: what is with people in your family and stepping on my heart!

lily emerges with baby harry in a pram. she carefully adjusts the blanket around him once she realises how cold it is

SCORPIUS: aww, she loves him so much

ALBUS: that blanket is the only thing dad has from her. i wish i could tell him how much she loved him but — wait. dad still has that blanket, scorpius!

SCORPIUS: and if we write a message on it now, he’ll see it too soon and we’ll be giving out spoilers. spoilers aren’t cool, albus

ALBUS: they’re not as bad as you think, actually

SCORPIUS: agree to disagree

ALBUS: is there a way we could put a message on the blanket and have it appear later? like, before, when dad gave it to me, it got covered in love potion! what would react with love potion to create a message?

SCORPIUS: well, the key ingredient in those is pearl dust, sooo… tincture of demiguise? it’d burn through the blanket though

ALBUS: i think our lives matter more than a blanket! this is it, scorpius, we have a chance

SCORPIUS: where’re we gonna get tincture of demiguise?

ALBUS: we’re going to steal it from bathilda bagshot

SCORPIUS: let’s get some wands while we’re at it

back at harry and ginny’s house, harry is sitting on albus’ bed. ginny enters

GINNY: harry, it wasn’t fair of me to blame you when they went missing again

HARRY: i think it was. i chased him, right to delphi (he starts to cry) i’m sorry, ginny. i shouldn’t be alive. so many people have died for me. at the battle of hogwarts, fred, the fallen fifty, why did they die but i lived?

remus lupin’s ghost probably: you’re forgetting someone. someone who’s wondering where is son is in all this, by the way.

GINNY: it wasn’t your fault. they were killed by voldemort, not you

HARRY: i should’ve stopped him sooner. there’s so much blood on my hands. and now our son, too.

GINNY: he’s not dead, harry, you hear me? albus is going to come back, a-and…

ginny hugs him, and now, it’s time for another direct quote

HARRY: The Boy Who Lived. How many people have to die for the Boy Who Lived?

ginny hugs him tighter. harry picks up the baby blanket

HARRY: this is all i have of my parents, and — (he pauses) it’s got holes in it. the love potion must’ve burnt… it looks like writing?

the script has the play do that thing where you have two linked but separate scenes happening at once. so while harry and ginny decipher the handwriting, we see albus and scorpius writing it, and discussing what should be written. ultimately, they decipher it as:

HARRY: ‘Dad. Help. Godric’s Hollow, 31/10/81’. it’s albus! he left us a message! he’s so clever, ginny!

GINNY: well duh

HARRY: i’ll send an owl to hermione. you send one to draco. this is all we need, ginny, we can get them back!

the middle-aged crew gather in godric’s hollow. they muse on how it’s a busy market town now, what a booming economy, and a lovely place for weekends, lots of b&bs! old people, man. there’s a slight disruption when:

HERMIONE: this sure feels like old times

RON: old times with some UNWANTED EXTRA MALFOY PONYTAILS

DRACO: my hair is beautiful

RON: you’ve been an asshole to me and my wife our whole lives. it’s great that you’re pals with harry now, but, yeesh

HERMIONE: get over it, ron. he can make it up to us later

RON: oh, fine. (reluctantly) your hair is actually so pretty, malfoy

they use the time-turner to get back to 1981. and they immediately find albus and scorpius!

ALBUS: mum?

GINNY: oh, damn, albus severus potter, i’m so happy you’re okay

they hug

SCORPIUS: hey, uh, dad…?

DRACO, trying to be restrained: yes, we can hug if you want

they hug too!

RON: where’s delphi?

SCORPIUS: we don’t know, but we think she’s going to kill baby harry before voldemort can try. and uh — hey, how’d you get here?

HARRY: a wizard did it

SCORPIUS: oh. uh. okay.

HERMIONE: let’s wait in the church. we’ll have a good view of the potter’s house, the rest of the town too actually, and it’s got mulitple exits, and we’re not going to be easily seen from it.

they move to the church. in there, albus sleeps on a pew while ginny watches. harry is keeping watch out the window.

HARRY: where is she?

GINNY: we’ll work it out, harry

HARRY: is albus okay?

GINNY: he’s getting there. saving the world is pretty stressful, as you know. and as i know, almost destroying it is, too.

HARRY: aw, ginny

GINNY: i think i’ve figured it out, harry. albus knows you care about him, but you care about everybody. he doesn’t feel that you specific care about him. after the chamber of secrets, you made me feel that. you didn’t even do anything that special, you were just — there. so. think about that, i guess.

HARRY: if there’s time…

GINNY: harry, about delphi. why did she come to right now? she could’ve picked an easier time to kill you, if that’s what she wanted. so what’s special about tonight?

HARRY: i don’t know? significance? voldemort is here?

GINNY: exactly. voldemort is here. she wants to meet him. so, she isn’t trying to break the prophecy by killing you… she’s trying to stop him.

HARRY: holy shit ginny you’re a genius!

they gather up the others and tell them. albus is awake now, i guess.

HERMIONE: holy shit ginny that’s brilliant

ALBUS: but, how’s delphi going to know where voldemort’s coming from? nobody actually saw him, so, that detail was never recorded in the history books, am i right scorpius?

SCORPIUS: you’re right, babe

ALBUS: then… then she must just be looking around to see him. so if one of us polyjuices into voldemort…

RON: with what? we’d need a part of his body

HERMIONE: we know what he looks like. we could always transfigure someone to look like him.

HARRY: it’s got to be me, i’m the one who knew him best, and i did have a part of his soul in me

GINNY: apparently we’re glossing over the fact that i did too. yet again ignore zoned.

HARRY: i know how he acts, how he talks, how he thinks. it’s got to be me.

HERMIONE: well… all right

RON: lure her in here and we’ll zap her

DRACO: you’re so eloquent, weasley

they start to transfigure harry

DRACO: there is so much that could go wrong with this, shouldn’t we talk about it?

ALBUS: draco, trust my dad. he won’t let us down

HARRY: i’m so moved

ALBUS: i mean, he is the bullshit preppy protagonist, after all

DRACO: you’ve got a good point there

with harry transfigured into voldemort, the others sit around waiting for delphi to show up. ginny sits alone, anxious. albus walks over

ALBUS: it’s going to be all right, mum

GINNY: i know, albus. or, i hope.

ALBUS: i really… i really liked delphi. but she was voldemort’s daughter all along? i’m not sure when exactly i found that out and why i didn’t really react but hey

GINNY: it’s just what some people do, albus. they catch innocent people in traps. it doesn’t mean it’s your fault, or that you shouldn’t trust people. they’re the ones doing the harm so it’s their fault

ALBUS: no, i’m pretty sure this is all my fault

GINNY: you sound just like your father

ALBUS: gross

SCORPIUS: there’s delphi. he’s seen her. she’s seen him.

they get in position ready to attack her

harry walks in, still disguised as voldemort. he walks a few paces before stopping

HARRYMORT: whoever is following me, quit it!! i’ll kill you!!

DELPHI: i’m sorry, my lord. but i am your daughter

HARRYMORT: haha what?

DELPHI: from the future. i’m the daughter of you and bellatrix lestrange. i was born in malfoy manor before the battle of hogwarts

DRACO: how did i not know about this

DELPHI: bellatrix’s husband told me who i really was, and revealed the prophecy to me

HARRYMORT: i don’t actually know what you’re talking about, but —

delphi speaks to him in parseltongue

HARRYMORT: holy shit my daughter! together we will wield so much power. we will rule the WORLD!

DELPHI: oh father!

HARRYMORT: now come into the light so i can see you properly

but the others can’t burst out to zap delphi! and harry’s disguise is failing! why is it failing when he was transfigured? fucking shut up, that’s why!

DELPHI: you… you aren’t voldemort! you aren’t my father! harry potter! fuck you!

they start to fight

GINNY: harry! she sealed the doors, we can’t get through!

DELPHI: i’m going to kill you, harry potter! i’ve been stalking you for years! i know just how to do it!

the fight continues. albus crawls through a grate on the floor.

HARRY: albus?! what the hell, get outta here!

DELPHI: ohhh, the false goffik. i’ll kill him first. avada kedavra!

harry throws albus out of the way, and the curse misses them both. but albus has unlocked the doors with magic! and the others burst in, attacking and restraining delphi

DELPHI: cuuuuuurssssseeeeeees……. all i wanted was to meet my father! i don’t want to be an orphan, it sucks. if you won’t let me see him, then kill me

HARRY: no, we don’t do that. we’ll take you back to our time, and we’ll send you to azkaban. like your mother. and you have to accept that you will always be an orphan.

in the distance, they hear snakes whispering, and the stage becomes dark. then he does it again.

VOLDEMORT: haaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrry pottttttttttttttttteeeeer………..

DELPHI: father?!

DRACO: silencing charm

HARRY: he’s going to do it… he’s going to kill my mum and dad. and there’s nothing i can do about it.

GINNY: you don’t have to watch. we can go now

HARRY: no, it’s going to look really cool on the stage

GINNY: excuse me?

HARRY: i mean, if i’m letting it happen, i have to watch

HERMIONE: then we all will

they stand together, watching voldemort murder james and lily. it’s pretty fucked up, mate. throughout, ginny holds one of harry’s hands, and albus holds the other.

but then, we get a cameo: a hagrid cameo. he comes to the ruined house and is distressed by what he finds, but keeps looking until he finds harry

HAGRID: i’m sorry, harry, dumbledore told me you gotta go with the muggles. but that doesn’t mean you’ll be forgotten, you hear me? i’ll never forget you or your parents. nobody will. and hey, when you’re old enough to come to hogwarts, i’ll be your friend whether you like it or not. you’re gonna need every friend you can get, harry.

hagrid exits holding baby harry.

and then…. we’re at hogwarts, in a classroom. albus and scorpius burst in, excited. we have no indication of how much time has passed, but i guess maybe that’s meant to imply that time is an illusion or some other basic theatrical concept stoppard’s overdone

SCORPIUS: things were getting pretty gay there for a while so i want to reaffirm: i am a straight who is attracted to rose granger-weasley

ALBUS: so attracted you asked her out

SCORPIUS: yes!

ALBUS: and she still hates you

SCORPIUS: oh no, she looked at me with pity! hate i can’t work with, but pity? i can build a castle of love on pity

ROSE: here is my last minute entrance to imply that scorpius is right and i will eventually pity him enough to love him!

seriously, this is what happens. i worry about the heterosexuals.

SCORPIUS: so hey, wanna go to the quidditch albus?

ALBUS: uh, that’s pretty mainstream, scorpius. actually, i’m gonna go hang out with my dad. he wants to go for a walk. i should probably let him try for once, right?

SCORPIUS: yeah, right

scorpius hugs albus tightly

ALBUS: no homo?

SCORPIUS: oh, i wish it didn’t have to be this way, albus… but you know what they’ll say. ‘why can’t two boys just be friends without it being called gay’? then they’ll act like this is revolutionary, when really, they’re taking the easy way out. because this is what’s really mainstream: people of the same gender having all the makings of romantic love, especially against far worse heterosexual pairings, and you know if they were a cis man and a cis woman they’d get together, yet they’re still being put in the no homo corner. it’s all about appealing to a wider audience, not representing anything true.

ALBUS: wow that was pretty article-author mouthpiece

SCORPIUS: i know, what a deceptive way to defend a new ship. still. maybe there’s some truth to it.

ALBUS: see you at dinner, scorpius

the scene changes to harry and albus walking up a hill together. they make small talk about exams, which then transitions into:

ALBUS: you know, i watched your parents for a while. they really, really loved you. your dad was making smoke rings with his wand, and you loved it, and the blanket, your mum… i think, we’d all have loved them. so much.

HARRY: yeah, me too. (pause) i thought voldemort was coming back, but it was all in my head. i’d physically gotten rid of him, but i’d never dealt with what he did to me mentally. that’s, a lot to realise at 40. and it’s a terrible thing to take out on your son, even accidentally.

ALBUS: dad…?

HARRY: what i said to you was inexcusable. i can’t ask you to forgive or forget, but i hope we can move past it. i really do love you albus. just as you are. i’ll try to be a better dad to you, more honest.

ALBUS: you don’t have to, dad

HARRY: you thought i’m not scared of anything, even. i’m scared of almost everything, albus. i’m scared of the dark, of small spaces, even… pigeons. but what scares me most is being a dad. most people have a rough idea of how to be parents from their own, but i don’t even have that. i’ve got very little to work with, so you be honest with me too, okay? i’m going to try with everything i’ve got to be the dad you deserve.

ALBUS: dad, i… i’ll try to be better, too. i know i’ll never be like you, or james —

HARRY: i don’t think i’m like james. i struggled all through my childhood too, albus. but i think you’re more like your mum: bold, fierce, funny, fantastic…

ALBUS: i did so many stupid things, though, and craig’s dead now

HARRY: you could’ve saved more lives than were lost. you brought delphi to light and helped stop her. it’s hard not to wonder, or to blame yourself for the things that went wrong, or the lives lost, but… but you learn. you keep trying. and you remember.

they stop at a grave

HARRY: which is why i come here to say sorry, when i can. to cedric diggory.

ALBUS: that’s… that’s probably a good thing to do

and then, staring at the grave, they deliver the final lines:

HARRY: I think it’s going to be a good day.

ALBUS: So do I.

AND FINALLY IT ENDS!!!

what a mess. i wish the plot hadn’t happened like that because i genuinely admire and like a lot of the emotional stakes here, even if they sometimes feel extremely forced as though they exist specifically to address criticism the franchise has received (see: everything with the dursleys & harry interacting with dumbledore). and of course, wish scorpus and albus had just been gay because holy shit man, they’re so blatant?? damn u hets

all in all: it would’ve been better if they’d actually just put classic fanfic My Immortal on the stage. My Immortal has much better dialogue and a clearer time-travel concept, for sure.

in conclusion: i want albus severus potter to teach me how to do eyeliner

EDIT: and if you want to read some very important and relevant criticism of his play relating to its exceptionally uncomfortable portrayal of Padma Patil and Panju Patil-Weasley, please read this article. Even if you don’t want to: probably read it anyway.